[time to let go]

I broke down at the doctor's office day before yesterday. I knew I'd been stressed and was at the breaking point. Just didn't expect it to be in front of Dr S. Ha. Before long even Auntie who wasn't there because she was too tired, knew about it thanks to Dr S telling her. What happened to patient-doctor confidentiality?? :P

The reason for the meltdown?

Baby is still in breech position and it was the day to make a decision on the turning procedure or C-section. The two weeks we had to make that decision went by so fast. Even after the things I did, even after coming up with a plan with Mr F, the "confirmation" of the decision suddenly felt wrong. We had planned to do the turning procedure as a last resort; but when Dr S said I had to do it by latest next week, I just couldn't say yes.  Biggest reason being that there was a risk of going into spontaneous labour or putting baby in distress. And no, I can't risk that, especially without habibi around.

As you can tell, this C-section thing has caught me totally off-guard. From not wanting baby to be born on a "wrong day" (what if he's not ready to come out on the day that we plan the c-section for him?), to being afraid of a major surgery, to not being able to give him the best birth, to wondering whether I/we can be the first one to hold him instead of strange nurses, to asking what if I didn't have a misaligned pelvis - I had to finally accept the fact that I will probably not have the birthing that I wanted.

Although it's not the ideal situation that I was hoping for, I've come to terms with it. Yes, I know I've tried. And frankly speaking, Sakura and mum have a point - I should enjoy the last few weeks of my pregnancy instead of mind-f*ing myself over what to do and running around trying to correct things. Afterall, I have tried my best, I have worked hard. Although I'm still not-so-secretly hoping for a "miracle", I've decided to leave it to His will.  I felt a little comforted when Dr S said that it seems baby has made his decision so let's now leave it to Allah's will.  Now just have to sit back and pray that everything will go smoothly InshaAllah.