Monday, April 18, 2011

[still here]

After my angsty rant two entries ago, my decision would seem somewhat contradictory.  However, in order to placate and remind myself why I made this decision, here goes this entry.

The thing that struck me most was when I told hubby that I hadn't come to an answer even after praying Istikharah (=prayer of guidance).  To which he said, if I really wanted the new job, things would have been very clear by now.  And mind you, I think 3 months, if not more, have passed since they made the offer, interviewed me and asked me for a decision (thanks to the laid back style here, I don't think anyone in Sg would wait that long for an answer!). So I did another Istikharah, before which I told Mr F that the "feeling" was clearer and the decision was easier when I did Istikharah for our marriage lol.  Actually, upon hindsight, I had already thought about staying at the first job after my first istikharah, it's just that I kept fighting the decision because of well, who knows why...

So anyway, as of last week, I have formally rejected the job offer.  I felt a little bad because I had already submitted the reference letters (felt bad about troubling my referees of course). But a decision had to be made and thanks to hubby who made me work through my decision making, I emailed the rejection letter.  Furthermore, it did feel that I was letting go of a possibly good opportunity.  But as of now, my reasons are:

  1. My current superiors really cherish me. Dr A really sounded sincere with his advice and said he'd work on keeping me more challenged. He said if I wanted to lecture, he could give me a few hours to do that next semester.
  2. Even though Dr F pretty much pissed me off with the conversation, he too has stepped up. Since that conversation, he's been calling me up almost every week to enquire how I am and "how's life" (which boss would ask that usually heh). He's even given me an assignment which I'm finding too hot to handle. Eeks.
  3. Dr A must have told Dr M about my "misery" so Dr M is really stepping it up to keep me on my feet.  Been attending meetings after meetings with him, and upon my very thick skinned suggestion of sending me to Canada for training, although he blatantly said the university would (i quote) NEVER sponsor me because they think I'd run away with my husband there, he suggested some alternative ways of getting my own funding.  He even "invited" me to participate (mentor/lecture) in a new diploma course he'll be introducing next semester. Fun!
  4. The new place is far and a one hour commute in peak hour is NOT ideal.
  5. The current university is much more well known than the new one which is only just starting up.
  6. I would be further away from the lab since the new job was mainly teaching/statistics. Dr F had a point there.
  7. The new place, as several people have pointed out, works every cent out of you.  Even the profs there were complaining they were working too hard and did not have any time for themselves.  Not the kind of life I want while living here, since everything else is so laid back. Must enjoy before I get back to stressful Sg.
  8. I did not get a very good vibe from the meetings I attended with them. At least at the current job I'm seen as a big shot and they come to me for help. The new place have ang moh big shots from South Africa, USA and what not, so I'd be a tiny tiny fry there. Should enjoy the glamour I'm getting now while I can right? ;)
  9. The current job will be more flexbile if and when a baby comes.  And since we're planning on a child, reason 4 and 6 applies.  I want a stress free pregnancy. :P
  10. Though theoretically the pay will be higher in the new place, the transport allowance does not totally cover the cost of a driver (dumb) and the net "gain" would not be much especially if they're going to work the life out of me.
I hope I remember these reasons.  I guess if I forget I can come back to my blog heh.  For now, I shall enjoy the new projects they are assigning me, including the one where I get to watch surgeries in the OR (wee!).

Sunday, April 10, 2011

[breaking barriers]

No hugs, no kind words, no kisses, no affection.

We have a one-of-a-kind father. That we do.  He says things that hurt us, he complains when we ask for a gift (or just to buy us something that he deems unnecessary and expensive).  Yet at the end of the day, we know he loves us. How? We just do.

When I was on exchange, he constantly asked about my health. He offered to help me settle in and told me not to worry about money. When Sakura was on exchange, he kept in touch with her on Skype no less, and paid the hefty bill which she incurred after a senseless mistake without a single word of displeasure.

When we are sick, he doesn't offer to take us to the doctor and even scolds us if we go to a private (i.e. expensive) one. Yet when we continue to sniff, he nags us to see a doctor or take our meds till we finally do.

The only time I remember receiving a hug from him, as an adolescent onwards at least, was 4 years back when I was in depression.  Even while leaving for here, I pondered whether to hug him at the airport and I guess he got surprised when I did. Let's not talk about the awkwardness when he hugged Mr F after our wedding lol.

Even though he now thinks I "belong" to my husband, he constantly emails and asks about us. He always enquires whether the sandstorms are affecting my asthma and let's not forget the links he sends us for F's job applications.

I guess affection doesn't come naturally to him probably due to his upbringing.  Sakura wrote him a card today and in her own words: "then i so shy to give him. cos u know how we're so unaffectionate with papa. so after i give him then i run away to shower so he dun have to read in front of me." And when she said she'd return the money for the huge bill she got in dk, he said, i quote, "don't need, just study hard and then when u want to get married I will say BYEEE". Go figure!

Freaky or not, I had the exact same thought last night as I sms-ed him and signed off with "Love you" to replace my usual "Take care".  I went straight to bed with my hp facing down so that I wouldn't regret what I wrote lol.  His reply was that the govt was giving us money that'd be credited to my bank account.  Go figure!
To our dear father who shows his love in his own quirky ways... Happy Birthday, we love you.