Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Sunday, December 18, 2011

[the final lap]

Baby has made it past 38 weeks. In 39th week now.  Good going darling. Please hang in there till Baba comes ok? Thank you.

It hasn't been an easy past few weeks; what with decisions to make and being comfortable with them.  It's been an emotional rollercoaster.  It seems as if everything that my natural birthing coach talked about that could happen/go wrong in a highly structured organisation, i.e. a hospital, happened.  Among which:

Doctor will prefer me not to go into natural labour, more so because she is going on leave and won't be around should baby decide to come out beyound 27th Dec;

I will not be able to have skin-to-skin contact once baby is out because of the c-section;

I will have to be proactive (read: stern) about no formula feeding and that baby be given to me in the recovery room to be breastfed;

I can only hold him if they deem me stable;

Doctor has even tried to persuade me to take baby out earlier since he's big;

Doctor tried to persuade me to have the c-section earlier since she will be on leave.

From my research I've read that:

Fewer complications are likely to occur if I let baby go into spontaneous labour, even if it is followed by a C-section. Cos then at least we know that he is really ready to come out. Afterall, nature knows best right?

The first hour is important for skin-to-skin contact so that baby still feels the familiarity of his mummy's heartbeat that he was hearing for 9-10 months.

C-section babies have a harder time latching on so it's important to start breastfeeding asap.

I don't want him to have separation anxiety by being not beside me when he comes into this world.

Baby size has no relation to whether he needs to be taken out earlier, if both mummy and baby are otherwise doing well.

Doctors are known for scheduling patients around their own leave, whether baby is truly ready or not.

I've tried my best to put my views across to the doctor, but ultimately in such a healthcare setting I don't think I have much say because we have a very "doctor knows best" perception.  The only thing that she didn't disagree to was delayed cord clamping; which I was surprised that she agreed to immediately. She even wrote it down on the front of my case sheet the moment I told her, especially when I asked whether I had to remind her on the day itself or not.

Thursday's appointment (15/12) was again very messy.  I very much felt like seeing the doctor alone and was secretly agreeing with her that the room was too crowded. Doctor even said "Next time I'll charge each extra person in the room." Ha. If I had a choice, well, you know who I'd have in the room with me.  Unfortunately even though Auntie had good intentions, she somehow managed to complicate things and ask more of Dr S, which I'm feeling very bad about. To top things off, now I'm not even sure if I'll be able to pick Mr F up from the airport on Friday because of her little arrangement. Haiz.

Had a little scare on Fri (16/12) when what I thought was my waterbag leaking happened.  The strog, although painless, contractions didn't help either. A trip to the hospital just to be safe and two hours later, seems that everything is still as it is; baby is not ready to come out yet. Thank God.  My first thought throughout the exciting morning was: I can't go for the c-section without Baba around. Thank you Allah for letting it be a false alarm.  Please let him come soon.  Unfortunately, flights are fully booked so he can't come earlier. Sigh. Can't imagine the relief I'll feel when he's finally here.  I'm literally counting down the days till he comes.  On another note, I'm glad I have Sakura who appeared so calm when I woke her up to tell her my symptoms. God bless her. With her around, I was able to go through the false alarm very calmly.

I'm confining myself at home for this final lap.  Don't want to take any chances.  Don't want extra activity to induce labour. Baba please come soon so that Mummy can be relieved and go for the c-section smoothly.  Right now I'm just praying relentlessly that things will go smoothly and Baba will be here on time.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

[time to let go]

I broke down at the doctor's office day before yesterday. I knew I'd been stressed and was at the breaking point. Just didn't expect it to be in front of Dr S. Ha. Before long even Auntie who wasn't there because she was too tired, knew about it thanks to Dr S telling her. What happened to patient-doctor confidentiality?? :P

The reason for the meltdown?

Baby is still in breech position and it was the day to make a decision on the turning procedure or C-section. The two weeks we had to make that decision went by so fast. Even after the things I did, even after coming up with a plan with Mr F, the "confirmation" of the decision suddenly felt wrong. We had planned to do the turning procedure as a last resort; but when Dr S said I had to do it by latest next week, I just couldn't say yes.  Biggest reason being that there was a risk of going into spontaneous labour or putting baby in distress. And no, I can't risk that, especially without habibi around.

As you can tell, this C-section thing has caught me totally off-guard. From not wanting baby to be born on a "wrong day" (what if he's not ready to come out on the day that we plan the c-section for him?), to being afraid of a major surgery, to not being able to give him the best birth, to wondering whether I/we can be the first one to hold him instead of strange nurses, to asking what if I didn't have a misaligned pelvis - I had to finally accept the fact that I will probably not have the birthing that I wanted.

Although it's not the ideal situation that I was hoping for, I've come to terms with it. Yes, I know I've tried. And frankly speaking, Sakura and mum have a point - I should enjoy the last few weeks of my pregnancy instead of mind-f*ing myself over what to do and running around trying to correct things. Afterall, I have tried my best, I have worked hard. Although I'm still not-so-secretly hoping for a "miracle", I've decided to leave it to His will.  I felt a little comforted when Dr S said that it seems baby has made his decision so let's now leave it to Allah's will.  Now just have to sit back and pray that everything will go smoothly InshaAllah.

Friday, December 02, 2011

[Give me some lovin']

Auntie arrived on the same soil I was in a few days before my departure.  Let's not talk about what a pity it was that she was in a different city so we couldn't meet. So near yet so far.  She even had a one hour stop over in Rh...gah!  We had a good time chatting on the phone what with the local calls, and cheap call rates.  Mr F made an effort to keep in touch with her even when I left for Sg.  Even though it was a small gesture of calling and saying hello, Auntie was touched.  Mr F then said something to the effect of "This is what family does for each other".  There have been a few other incidences where I was very touched as to how he treated me, though for him it was not a big deal.

Ever since coming back, Sakura has more than once said "Awww you're so sweet!" for the littlest things I do for her - be it giving her a shoulder massage while she's busy mugging away, or taking her something or other even though she didn't request for it.  While I'm pretty sure we were not devoid of affection growing up, perhaps we were not shown much. Or perhaps the current state of things in the house makes little things like these seem more meaningful.  Yesterday, Papa commented on how we were so cute. When he sms-ed us whether we wanted dinner, I said "Yes for me and Sakura" while Sakura replied "Yes for me and kakak."  My conclusion - we look out for each other. Sisterly love. :)

While we can't change our parents' characters and attitudes or their quirky ways of demanding attention from us, I guess we could concentrate on the way we look after each other. Hopefully as we grow into more loving persons with other relationships around us, we get more used to not only giving affection, but also accepting it readily, instead of feel "Wow, he/she did this for me." That's of course not to say that we should take affection for granted, especially if we have a loving husband like mine.  I guess it's all about moderation and expressing gratitude when it's due.

To my habibi, thank you for teaching me the meaning of family and affection.  Yes we may both have dysfunctional families (then again, who doesn't - it's just the intensity that differs, right?), but InshaAllah with His Guidance, we can instill the same love to our children and their children and the many generations after that.