Saturday, March 31, 2007

[i'm back]

Wow I didn't realise I haven't been blogging for slightly more than a month. No wonder ppl started asking me why i wasn't updating it anymore.

I'm coming out of my closet. I'm gay. Well not exactly what I wanna come out about haha. I'm coming out of my closet about depression. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression since 6 wks ago. Initially I thought it was just a really prolonged PMS, and that I'd "get over it"; till I started doing silly things to (try to) get away from the pain of being emotionally numb on one hand, and being overly sensitive on the other. I'm not proud of what I did, but when u no longer no how to cope, u resort to stupid things.

I'm lucky that my counsellor noticed something was wrong, and that she took time off her busy schedule (despite being "just" my pro-bono counsellor) to bring me to a doc to get me more help. It was then that I was inducted into prozac nation.

Things weren't so smooth initially...between all the mind-fucking I did to myself, and the panic attacks I was getting, I thought I was gonna go crazy. I'm glad though that I had my dear Flo beside me all the way. Thanks babe, I wouldn't have survived without your support. Thanks for putting up with my mood swings, for helping me speak to my family, for helping my family understand my situation, for teaching me how to be more open about my feelings, for just being there. Thanks to my family whose support I now know I'd have had all along and for understanding me. Thanks to my friends who noticed something wasn't right and attempted to cheer me up, you know who u are. You guys rawk!

I realise that many ppl dunno what depression is, thinking that it's something u can just will away or that positive thinking will cure. It's not as simple as it sounds. And I don't blame 'em for not understanding. I had a hard time deciding too cos I felt I was doing this to myself. I'm much better than I was 6 weeks ago, so don't worry, I probably won't burst out crying when I go out with you. Haha.

There's still a lot of trauma that I have to get over. I know I've shocked a few of my friends with some details of things I'm dealing with...skeletons that I wanna get rid of. It will take time. And at times I get a bit impatient. But I'm glad I've got people around who care. =) Need to remind myself to be patient. But I think I'm better now to start designing my room again. Haha.