[we can but dream]

***********

Picture a dreamy village in the south of France overlooking the Mediterranean sea. The morning sea mist is fading away slowly as the sun shines out brightly over a clear sky. The chateau overlooking the sea from its majestic cliff stands out from the green valley floor. And as far as the eye can see, it is greeted with a vista of unparalleled beauty and serenity. The well-manicured garden walls of the chateau overlooking the sea are bedecked in banners of alternate blue and lilac. The guests are seated in two rows of white chairs over which white colored pergola trained with green grapevines provides shade, leaving a narrow pathway in the middle for us to pass through. The bridesmaids dressed in lilac are standing on the right while the groomsmen dressed in sky blue are on the left. The groom comes in on a horse bedecked in blue, looking intoxicatingly charming in his dark blue intricately embroidered sherwani. The bride comes in on a single horse drawn carriage trailing with lilac streamers, dressed in the finest silk ivory gown, trails overflowing gracefully, fine hand-sewn crystals glistening under the gentle sun. her father takes her hand as she steps gracefully off the carriage, and they both walk arm in arm to the elegantly decorated white dais where he places her hand in the groom's. The ceremony then takes place while the sun shines cheerfully over the joyous day. As the solemnization finishes, the groom lifts up the bride's veil and kisses her. The guests cheer and at the same instant a dozen white doves are freed which creating a dreamy atmosphere. He then carries her into the chateau where the feast begins.

***********

[what kind of person?]

what kind of person...

...is so insecure

• no one knows her real age, tho she claims she's young
• she flounces herself (and her cleavage) around her (male) supervisor(s)
• flirts with every single men in sight, even if they're less than half her age
• goes all out making her colleagues miserable by complaining to their respective supervisors and/or dumping more work on them
• is only happy when someone is as "miserable" as her
• get jealous when those younger than her (i.e. less than ~45) have good things going in their life e.g. doing their PhDs/getting married, etc
• compares a colleague getting an engagement ring/married to her buying herself a ring/being propositioned by a married guy respectively
• gets upset when colleagues from the preceeding two points above join her "gang" for tea since they're probably seen as "competitors" to her

...is so conceited

• she thinks the whole world revolves around her
• she thinks she is right all the time
• thinks her junior staff is her PA, making her run errands like collecting faxes and buying lunch for her
• complains to the whole world how her boss is unfairly not promoting her (financially)
• shouts at the very boss who has kept her in the job all these years while letting others go unfairly
• asks her superiors to do things for her like throwing away her rubbish

...is so dishonest

• she takes other people's hard work, deletes "done by: XX" and replaces it with her name
• in doing the above, makes her superiors think "oh i'm so stomped with work yet i'm so capable since i did ALL this myself"
• she spends half her office time on the phone complaining how life is so unfair, yet continues on with the above two points
• she says different things in front of your face and behind your back

It's also sad that someone can be so...well...insecure. Obliviously self-destructive. So much so till everyone new who interacts with her sooner or later figures her out and realises what a "nice" person she really is.

It almost seems an undeserved honour that I'm blogging about her. All sorts of people exist in this world huh?

[Happiness Is Only Ever Now]

"Few of us ever live in the present, we are forever anticipatingwhat is to come or remembering what has gone." - Louis L'Armor

Many pubs in the United Kingdom have an infamous sign hanging above the bar:

"Free Beer Tomorrow!"

It's funny because, of course, "tomorrow" never comes.

But when you think about it, how many of us truly live our lives like that?

We spend so much time thinking about the past, or contemplating the future, that we forget to live in the moment. We fail to realize that happiness can only EVER be now.

Let me give you an example.

You're driving through the city and your favourite song hits the radio. You're stuck in traffic, but loving the music - and you start to crazily sing along. You really get into it. You're in the moment. But then you catch a few jealous faces in nearby cars, and go all shy and timid.

Suddenly you're no longer living in the moment. You're wondering what they'll think about you. You're concerned they'll disapprove. You freeze up. Your happiness has gone, and your inhibition has arrived.

You're no longer in the moment, in the NOW - you're stuck thinking about wanting approval from these people, worried what they'll think of you outside that moment.

Try to catch yourself at some random point today - and just check what's on your mind. If you're like most people, you'll be somewhere other than here and now.

You'll be thinking about whether you made a good impression with that guy earlier today. You might be thinking the holiday you have planned for next September. Or how all of your problems will be solved this time next year.

You'll be anywhere but in the MOMENT. In fact, we each spend 95% of our time in the past or the future.

But here's the thing: Life is transient. The past has gone. The future is just a dream. The only time that truly exists ever is RIGHT NOW.

In other words, RIGHT NOW is the ONLY time you can do or change ANYTHING in your life.

You are only ever what exists in THIS MOMENT.So, are you HAPPY right now? Are you doing EVERYTHING you'd like to - and feeling THRILLED with life, as you read these words? If you're not, then make the decision to be happy.

NOW.

And if you'd like, put down this book, and go fly a kite. Or tell your partner that you love them. Or get your groovy flares on and head out to the nearby disco.

NOW is the only time you can change anything. And NOW is the only time you have.

So, make that simple decision - to be happy NOW.

Karl Moore - The 18 Rules of Happiness

[show me red]

I've been quiet. I've been thinking. I've been worrying.

Suddenly 3 months seems so close. 3 months till I marry the love of my life. 3 months till my month away from work (note: NOT a vacation..haha). 3 months till...

I can't help but feel a certain emptiness. The looming thought that I'll be away from the people that made me happy throughout my years of turmoil at home. The people who kept me going, who kept me laughing. My friends. I've seen friendships disappearing once people get married. New commitments, juggling a new home, family and in laws. What more if I'm gonna move away. Will the friends I counted on still be there when I'm back? Will things be like they always were?

It's a part of life my auntie says. True. Everyone's gonna go through it. In her blunt-but-tyring-to-cheer-me-up words: Better be the dumper than the dumpee. Not that I'm dumping anyone, but true, friends aren't gonna wait for you when it's their turn to live their life; so why give up my future for them.

But as much as I'm looking forward to carrying on with my life, it is gonna be sad leaving my friends behind. So to my dear friends, please keep in touch, now and in time to come. I have to say that some of my friends have really been taking time to spend more time with me after I "warned" them last year that I'll only be here for only a year or so longer. Thank you.

For now, I shall comfort myself with God's blessings of the 1) Internet i.e. facebook, blogging, etc 2) sms-ing and 3) easier travel (let's hope hyderabad or wherever I land up becomes SIA's fave routes i.e. more discounts lol).

Maybe it's more than just missing my friends. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown. Moving into a more conservative, male-dominated society. Maybe things would be different if I had been moving to a more modern society (Sweden..woo! haha). Maybe...

I just have to remind myself that, at the end of the day, it's worth it.

[mastery]

I talk to myself so much with ideas on what to write when I get home, but when I'm sitting here in front of the PC my mind goes blank. Maybe I have short term memory. Possibly. Haha.

So well I guess I'll just blog whatever comes to mind right now, which is not in the same calm, collected beautiful language that I construct while on the bus. Gah. That's why I need a PDA haha (MB: hint hint lol).

Well off the top of my mind...YAY My thesis has been accepted! Heh. Am really glad. Looks like things will go as planned and I can graduate on 8 July. Wee! And MB will be able to attend my graduation! Double happy! Was quite surprised when prof told me thesis was given the go ahead. But since I hadn't received official news, I thought maybe things wldn't be finalised so soon. Plus it's been only slightly more than a month....not anywhere near the minimum 2 months which it usually takes for theses to be examined (usually students start bugging registrar's office after 2nd month as to why no news yet lol). But well, last weekend, got the letter, and after some minor ammendments which don't even need to be re-marked, I've done the final submission. Woohoo. Yes, I'm euphoric. Haha. I didn't wanna be too happy yet although I'd submitted it, cos being the erm not-so-confident person that I am, was telling MB that the thesis might be rejected if it's not well written etc etc. And even now I'm like..ok, I'll celebrate only when I get the final letter that I've been conferred my degree. Haha. I guess I can save up till then to treat my prof n a few colleagues (now now..how to shortlist who are the privileged ones...haha) :P

[see no evil, hear no evil, touch no evil]

For the benefit of those who would like to know what kind of learners/communicators they are, am attaching some notes from the NLP course I attended several weeks ago. Must say, it has helped me to understand myself and people around me better. We're each a mixed of about 2 of the types.

I'm visual btw, and perhaps my less dominant one is kinesthetic. Maybe that's why Ruth commented that I like to put pics up on my blog heh. =) I liked the example my instructor gave: A visual husband can give his auditory wife all the diamonds in the world, but she might still go "but u never SAY you love me". Simple example yet to the point. So I told MB, for my case, it'd be "you tell me you love me but u never buy me any diamonds". Hahahaha :P

I also have a summarised version of the MB/TI Personality Type System, so if anyone is interested, do contact me directly.

[of hedonism]

The planning was astute. The execution was precise. It was a surprise that was really surprising. Pats on our back for a job well done!

My auntie had been not so much hinting that she wanted to go for a short trip for her bday - to stay in a hotel and go for a spa. So the main masterminds, Jam and I planned a lil trip to JB two weekends ago. It started with me "kidnapping" Auntie on Friday, on the pretext of wanting to go to the (pathetic) bridal exhibition at expo. Oh, but we did run some errands tho, I booked the mosque for my solemnisation venue..yay!

So anyway, after our sad trip to the fair (there were only 10 booths...after a 1 hr ride to expo..gah! talk abt economic crisis), told Auntie that we were having dinner at Kranji. She did wonder whether there was anything to eat there but she trusted I knew this "new" restaurant afterall. Sakura, Jam and even Uncle Dolah met us there and we hopped onto Causeway Link to head to JB. I changed story to we're having dinner at JB, and though auntie was worried whether her passport was around, she trusted us again.

The best part was when we reached the hotel. Even after filling the hotel's name on the white immigration card, auntie was still clueless abt our plan. I was like "Surprise!!" but she still thought we were having dinner at the restaurant. It was only when Jam literally spelt out that we were CHECKING in, did she react - tearfully might I add. Heh.

The second surprise came the next day, where we said we'd go shopping then lunch, but first we stopped by Puteri Pacific (JB's Pan Pac) and treated auntie to a yummy 105 mins "marine spa" massage. We asked her again if she was surprised/happy/etc, and she was like...u don't want too much emotions to flow out so let's avoid that qs. Needless to say, she was extremely touched.

It was the perfect holiday for us as well, cos we spent the weekend basically eating, sleeping, watching tv, playing cards, the works. The only exercise we got was shopping at City Square and boy was it tough for me cos the damn soft sofa in the hotel room ruined my back. But all in all it was a great trip - good food, great prices, cheap and good hotel room (tropical inn), and awesome company. A few details need to be kept secret tho, like the forfeits the "donkey"'s had to do when they lost. Wahahaha.

It really helped that auntie was blur, and that (she said) she trusted me with her life, so she'd have followed wherever we kidnapped her anyway. We're already thinking of our next bumming trip soon. It was a blast!!

[thesis submitted]

I finally submitted my Masters thesis on Monday 2/2/09, after 3 years of reading, research, lab work, more reading, writing, editing and more editing, and agonising. How does it feel? Really good! I feel like I have more breathing space now, not having to come home to open the same file over and over again, wondering how many more pages to go before it finally ends. I now have a couple of months (I hope!) before the examiners come back with the results, so at least I have more time to myself.

For the moment, I shall concentrate on having FUN! I'm almost done with wedding preparations, just have to commit who I want my vendors to be (I'm fickle) so not much work to be done in that area. Maybe I should work on non-procrastination lol.

Anyway, wanted to include some excerpts from my acknowledgements, those really heartfelt ones. To my baby, thank you for motivating me each day to complete what seemed like a daunting task to me and thank you for helping me every step of the way right down to editing 100 pages filled with text of what would seem like greek to you. =)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I would like to express my utmost gratitude to my supervisor Prof C SE...has not
only been an invaluable guiding and motivational source in my academic pursuit, but
also an important source of support for my personal development. His kindness and
dedication to his career as an occupational health physician and a researcher have
inspired me greatly in the field of public health.

I express my thanks to Prof C KS... giving me the
opportunity to attend the modules that were conducted in Sweden.

...

I also deeply appreciate the technical help from Mr O Y B for brainstorming and
optimising enzymatic assays with me. He has always been ready to lend a hand
whenever I needed help in the laboratory.

My sincere thanks are due to Ms L G H for her assistance and
advice in the statistical analysis of this thesis and of our published original article.
The numerous scientific and less scientific discussions with her have created a
pleasant working atmosphere and a wonderful friendship.

Warm thanks go to my parents, sister, and the rest of my family for their
understanding, support and comfort not only during this project, but throughout my
previous studies. I would like to dedicate this thesis to my dear fiancé Far.ooq; his
love and support has kept me going especially on days where everything seemed to be
going wrong. Because of him, I had the strength and motivation to complete this
thesis. Finally and most importantly, all praises be to God who granted me the
opportunity and strength to undertake my Masters studies.

[partial solar eclipse on lunar new year]

I guess the title describes it all haha. Well, I'm really happy I finally got to watch an eclipse, even it was just partial. 80% is good enough for a beginner like me heh. I shall not go into details about how 2 years ago I thought I would see the sky darken, and the eclipse with my naked eye hahaha. Hey we learn right? ;)

It was a great way to spend the holiday with my two fave sistaz. And I'm glad I chose going to N.US (organised by NU.S As.tro) as opposed to the Scie.nce Ce.ntre or one of the mosques at Ke.at Ho.ng, cos I guess it wld've been much more chaotic there (picture lil kids running ard and being chased by their parents at these more "family friendly" places). And since I just recently ended a 2 day phot.oshop workshop, I decided to try my hands at some editing of the awesomely cool pics we took thru the telescope. Uploaded more pics of our eclipse outing at my photo page. Enjoy!

P.S. To Chinese readers, Gong Xi Fa Cai. Ang Pao Na Lai! Haha. According to Chinese tradition, this shall be the last time I get ang paos on CNY. Not that I've ever gotten any...okay, maybe once. Lol.

the power of photoshop

the power of Allah

[no more earthquake]

Lying in bed the whole day on the first day of work in 2009. Well not exactly, since last fri was the first day, but that doesn't count cos I was on leave..haha. Wouldn't say I was partying that much over the long weekend, but I guess one thing led to another. See what happened was, I shared earthquake after dinner with the girls at swen.son's. Lil did I know, but only half way through the bowl, they kindly offered the info that all 3 of them were sick/just recovering from a bad flu. Great. I was like...nvm...positive thinking...I won't get sick....

New Year's Day was when I should've been resting to combat the effect of deadly germs haha. But instead I exerted myself. Rushed to IKEA in the morning to get my friend a voucher for her housewarming (didn't have time to shop hehe), then went to her place where I ate lots of good (and not so healthy) food, then went to auntie's place. I should have rested at auntie's place, but no, I went hopping on a trampoline (don't gasp lol). As if I hadn't done enough damage, ate loads and loads of apple pie which jam so kindly made for me in exchange for me coming over. Sweet lil girl she can be. Slept in air con the whole night (which even on 'normal' days is a recipe for disaster), woke up at 5.30am next morning to accompany her to school, met auntie for breakfast after that, and voila, by that evening was feeling signs of disaster.

So now I've got 4 different pills to take, 1 cough mixture, lozenges, and a very heavy head (and chest). Guess my positive thinking didn't work in this instance tsk tsk. But who am I kidding, no way no more earthquake. Just no more earthquake till I've clarified everyone sharing it has been in the pink of health lol.

update: as of tues 5 jan, i have 7 pills to pop, not including my 2 vitamins which I'm wondering if I shld add to my poor liver's load. Talk abt needing a detox, not just from junk food, but meds as well. Back to work tmr...yikes..after 7 days of care-free bumming at home....

[the year that was]

there's indeed a lot of things to reflect on this year. some of the significant mentionables:

1. Met mind.boggler ("officially" hehe) for the first time. Also the trip where he met my parents, entranced the rest of the family, and got down on his knee. Talk about a fruitful trip. Haha.
   
   
2. Did a lot of yoga (3 rounds of 8 weekly sessions to be exact...till instructor remembered my name lol) and exercise, and managed to get back to my pre-depression weight. Wee. Now to maintain it..argh...



3. Did a lot of things I've been wanting to do (one of my main aims of the year)...some of which include exploring Egypt, diving, watching Ballet Under The Stars, getting a makeover+photoshoot, entering a scrabble competition, joining a life skills group to help myself and others, and shooting an air pistol.



4. "Graduated" from seeing my counsellor(s) which also means I've come a great distance in healing. At least they think so. haha.



5. Got engaged. Great achievement considering that I thought I'd never get married in the first place lol.



6. On the way to planning 11 July 2009 and my life ahead with someone so special and who loves and cherishes me so deeply.

Here's to 2009, hoping it'd be an even greater year ahead. Our year. Resolutions? As mb said, appreciating God for all the blessings He has showered on us, making the most of what life gives us, and not worrying about things that are beyond our control.

[about the wedding]

wee. the date is drawing nearer and nearer. 6 months 11 days (or 192 days) as the widget mentions haha. feels like things are getting more and more 'real' as wedding preparations are underway. mak andam (makeup artist) - tick, pelamin (dais) - tick, photo/videographer - tick... wow, can't imagine that one year ago, we weren't even sure if his mum would accept me. talk abt moving a long way. glad our journey towards being together has been divinely guided. Alhamdulillah (all praises be to Allah).

created a wedding blog so that updates on D day can be posted there. stay tuned!

p.s. pls leave ur mark in the guestbook, so that i know i'm not the only one there..haha. might eventually use the site to communicate with bridesmaids as yun suggested (smart gerl!). for a quick jump to the site...refer to the link under "the lady" (oh and if anyone knows how to create a sticky post using html..help needed...and appreciated...heh.)

[catching up]

Been a while since I last blogged. And since it's a rainy morning with hardly anyone in the office and whoever's here isn't in the mood to work since it's Christmas eve, I've decided to follow the crowd and do other things besides working...haha. My loyal "fans" (haha) have been asking why the absence from blogging. Well, I'm fine I guess. Been dealing with new drama at home, haven't really had the mood to do things. Plus I was busy writing up my thesis, which I'm proud to say has made it's first debut for prof to look through. Yay! So yep, thanks for all ur concern. I'm good! =)

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continued today. boxing day. no more rainy morning atmosphere. but ppl still aren't in a mood to work and same applies to me hehe. but since i'm lacking a lil inspiration to write (maybe i stayed away from blogging a lil too long heh), i shall post some pics of my recent short getaway to KL. oh i cherish every day i get to be away from home. lol. it was an adventure ala amazing race at first, but thankfully everything ended up alright. don't ask for details. haha.

high on songs after all that waiting...useful tho, got a list of 50 sappy love songs that can be played at my reception haha...now down to 32 tho..sakura lost the rest..gah....

KLIA. We were impressed. Realised we've never stepped into the airport since whenever dad brings us there, it's always the cheapest way...by rail or bus. heh.

the three adventurers on the way up to Genting, and the lovely view back down.

yay finally tried fish spa!! and at a great price too!

which trip to KL would be complete without visiting the twin towers (skybridge was closed darn...) and shopping!!! (tho well, sakura did most of it..sobs...)

More KL pics here!

[focusing on the good things]

Y: Hi gal, hav u seen dr yet? What did he say?
Me: Seeing in the afternoon. Will let u know :)
Y: Good. U r not alone today. Dont worry.
Me: Hee so sweet :)
Y: I know how that feel ma. Dont want u feel bad again.
Me: So touched hehe
Y: Take good care gal, u will be the most beautiful bride in a few months, must take care. If there is problem, fix early. :-D
...
Me: Sure. Thanks 4 "accompanying" me heh.

It's friends like this who really make ur day. Definitely a change from the incident below. Yep..focus on this instead =)

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[the day i ruptured my lung]

was panick stricken to say the least. i thought the pain in my chest was just some muscle spasm, tho i haven't been coughing much. when i reached campus and it was still there, or even gotten worse, first stop was the wellness clinic. it was so bad that i requested to see the doc immediately. after realising i couldn't even lie down cos of the immense pain, and that i was not able to find a comfortable position to alleviate the pain, the doc told me to go to the A&E immediately for a chest x-ray. he asked me to take the shuttle bus but with the pain, i hailed down the first cab i saw. thank god for sending it to me so soon.

was a lil embarrassed when they wheeled me into the triage. took an ECG etc and waited for consultation. might i say this was also the day i realised how much my family cares for me. sent dad a msg to say i was at A&E for suspected lung rupture...pls pass msg on to sis n mum. 10 mins later i get an sms from mum saying she's sick, pls bring her to the doc (hmm she expected me to run home from work for a flu?). ok well, I assumed maybe she hadn't received/read papa's sms yet. awhile later sis msgs me to ask "are u alright?", but thereafter no response, i guess cos she was too busy in school. no further sms from mum either. at least papa called to ask how things were, was x-ray done etc.


waited and waited for hours in the A&E for the x-ray to be ready. alone. in pain. auntie sent her usual "it's that time of the day sms" and asked me how i was. i hadn't told her i was there earlier on cos i knew she'd be terribly worried and might've rushed down, and i didn't wanna trouble her. needless to say, she was the only one who continued "accompanying" me even if it was thru sms-es. she was shocked no one came. well i said, it was expected. if my own mum didn't bother, even if she were sick, i mean how much energy does an sms take? just to ask if i was alright perhaps? well that's my family. was so upset i was telling MB that maybe only if i collapsed and died they'd be there. maybe then it'd be too late.

looking on the positive side? thankfully it wasn't major. they suspected i might've ruptured some alveoli and the air entering the chest cavity was causing the pain. but as great as our doctors are, he laughed and said "depends on ur pain threshold" when i asked how long the pain would last. thanks a lot. went home with just painkillers. but at least i went home and didn't get admitted. maybe that's the bright side..but seriously, my family's reaction was unbelievable.

when i get home after that tiring morning, i see mum crouched on the floor so i assume she's sleeping. all i wanna do is lie in bed cos of the pain. but instead, despite her "sickness", she comes to my room and starts yelling at me at how i didn't greet her, how i hardly show love for her, i love ammi and MB more, etc etc. Wow, so much energy to scold for a sick person...where was that energy when u found out i was in hospital? And I guess the last point is gonna crop up more and more as I get closer to the wedding. Sigh.

I guess I should focus on the people who do love me. Who bother to show care and concern even if they can't be close by proximity. Thanks auntie, jam, MB for letting me know I'm not alone. From Wed's incident, I know who I can count on. I guess I should stop hoping for something that I'll probably not get. Then I question myself again...isn't hope the thing that keeps u going? Well I guess in this case, I should just let it go. Have to keep reminding myself that....

[happy wedding day]

It's exactly a week now..happy marriage-hood ruth. hehe. must say i thoroughly enjoyed the day, even tho I had to wake up really early for the day's events (luckily our weddings don't have tea ceremonies early in the morning heh).

it started out with the "jie mei" thing...since it was my first time being a "sister" i just stood by and let the other gals do their stuff (led by her very garang friend..who did a great job i think heh). it was pretty fun tho i think the guys could've been more sporting..and definitely more generous. too bad it was our first time being sisters...next time, we won't give in so easily..and more wasabi in the cake perhaps..haha. i was also quite suaku abt the tea ceremony, having never attended one before. ruth looked really good in her white gown, and tea dress. lucky se.bb. heh.

waiting for his sweetheart .....still not letting them in

........family portrait ................with his pretty bride..........who to give first? heh

the dinner was great too. i really enjoyed helping the lovely bride prepare for the night. her auntie was like..wah ur friend so good even where for u shoes..haha...but well, for me it was just abt making her feel like a princess on her special day, plus really, it was gonna be tough for her to put it on on her own lol. the most touching moment came when they presented me with their pretty ring pillow. now i must find a couple to pass it down to after my wedding :P.

..accompanying the bride in the bridal suit............................the ballroom

i must say that of the not-that-many weddings i've attended, this one really affected me because i was just so so genuinely happy for the bride and bridegroom. the smiles on their faces as they marched down the aisle just lit up the room and i must say, i was honoured to be a part of their day. so girl, don't need to thank me so much lah heh ;)

[engaged to Mr M.i.R F.a.R.o.O.q A.L.i]

I wonder why they term it an "engagement". Maybe because of how it "binds". I am now engaged to someone. Woo. Sounds binding. Lol. (Auntie says I can't flirt anymore...but if someone flirts with me, I can reciprocate..hahaha) So I have 'sold' half my life to a man by the name of F.a.R.o.O.q @ bogglingbear @ mindboggler (MB). He still boggles me. So how was the trip? This is for my own remembrance so if u get bored, please stop here heh.

Day 0 - Friday 24.10.08
Poor Auntie had a tough flight especially after one very bad turbulence (tho I enjoyed the "rollercoaster" ride lol). Good thing she didn't puke on the plane...maybe my loving nursing and distracting her with really lame jokes worked after all..phew. First stop upon touching ground was the loo...to freshen up and look pretty for meeting MB. 3 vain women all sprucing up hehe. Was damn nervous about meeting him (I shouldn't be right..after all it's not the first time). Butterflies in tummy. Oh no, they're not at the exit. Did they come? Lol. Yay I spotted Abbah (father-in-law to be). Huggies with Ammi (MIL to be)...nice to see u again. Where's my hero? Hehe. They took me in their car while MB went with the rest to the hotel. All along the ride, I was thinking - wow this feels like the last trip when it was just the 3 of us. Abbah felt the same way too. Told me how they both missed us right from the point they waved their last goodbye at the airport. Awww.

This was also the day my most genuine of intentions to let the parents mingle got misconstrued as purposeful disregard, which resulted in me being slighted for the next 1.5 days. Argh, if only people weren't so sensitive.

Day 1 - Saturday 25.10.08
First lunch together. Auntie was having migraine so she slept in. Started noticing how I was being ignored. Still puzzled why. I did greet her...I did say how she looked good in her saree. Then had a horrible time because I wasn't involved in the conversations. What was I doing there? Hmmm. Talked to Auntie at night about how Ammi was treating me coldly for no apparent reason. MB comes at night and accuses me of being uncordial to Ammi. Wow, if just letting parents mingle is considered being unfriendly, dunno what I'm up for. Fine, Auntie says I should just suck it up and apologise.

Day 2 - Sunday 26.10.08
Lunch at their place. Swallowed my pride and apologised. Even then Ammi still complains to Auntie that I was wrong. Still don't think I was wrong. It was just some miscommunication that if had been cleared up earlier, wouldn't have let to such an issue. Well whatever, I've apologised.

Pre-engagement talks. Where someone behaved horribly. Getting defensive over nothing aimed at her. Wanting things to go her way as usual. Was ready to bury my head in the ground. Surprised at how cool I was lol. Enjoyed the gifts part tho..cos I got the most lol..oh and Abbah was clapping loudly for me lol. Yay! Engagement date set for Tues.

We go to the mall near our place since we have nothing to do. Nothing out of the ordinary...so just bought bathroom slippers and the emergency ring for MB. MB comes over at night to talk abt mehr (dowry). Kinda disappointed but well, it's complicated... Realised that someone doesn't have a backbone..sigh...

Day 3 - Monday 27.10.08
I get an award for "eagerly" coaxing someone to eat so that she's not sick/depressed. We stay in the apartment totally bored cos MB can't bring us out. Auntie n I drive each other crazy lol. We enjoy some pre-Deepavali fireworks from our room window at nite. Nice.

Day 4 - Tuesday 28.10.08
D-day. We're so bored from previous day of bumming in the room so we go out to Hyderabad Central mall. Our first adventure in an auto. Auntie is excited but scared - grips on to me the whole ride lol. Mall is a high class place, not somewhere to go to for cheap shopping haha. Auntie enjoyed the salesman putting on shoes for her...what a luxury eh? She almost took advantage of the 'service'..notti notti. Bought sandals to get ready for her climb up the 360 steps then had lunch at a really rip off food court.

As evening gets closer I get all hyper from the nervousness of the event. 25 strangers gonna be staring at me tonite. Yikes. Try to sleep for a bit but to no avail cos even Auntie was excited so she kept talking n talking lol. Finally caught 10 mins of wink wink. Then the preps start. I also got a bravery award for doing something hehe...consult me for details ;) Thank you for making me look so pretty, Auntie!

Engagement party is VERY tame. Just sitting in a circle and very silent talking. Me bored..lol. Finally get to sit with MB...we get garlands (so Indian..heh). He puts ring on my finger but not before going "which finger am i supp to put it on" lol. I'm a lil surprised he put it for me cos for us we're (supposedly) not supposed to touch each other before marriage so the same-sex future parent-in-law will put on for us i.e. I thought Ammi would do it. Nvm lah..at least got to feel him lol. Papa put on ring for him. Then it was dinner. Since we were at the roof garden we could enjoy the fireworks. There was a special 2 min display of fireworks which I told MB was meant specially for us. Hee. =) What a bonus since I love fireworks. Lovely setting.

Day 5 - Wed 29.10.08
Finally our sightseeing starts. First stop: Salar Jung Museum, the largest one-man collection in the world. Followed by Chowmahalla Palace which was awesome. The grandeur of the place was really breathtaking. Wish I could live in a palace like that lol.

Day 6 - Thur 30.10.08
MB can't bring us out today cos Ammi isn't feeling well. We're quite tired by yest's itinerary so we don't mind resting at home as well. Get a surprise call from MB that he's bringing me to his college..yay. Buildings weren't too impressive...but I guess it's the education that counts..since MB turned out brilliant anyway lol.

Next we have the most awesome moment at no-more-Secret Lake. Which I'm not supposed to report btw. Lol. Parents made me feel bad about going out myself but later find out that they were too lazy to go out on their own anyway..bleah.

Day 7 - Fri 31.10.08
I tell and I tell my parents what they can do for the day but do they follow the plan? Of course not. So after Jummah prayers, papa comes back and tells them they're not going out. Well, not my fault. I had errands to run with MB. First stop was his uncle's vacant apartment that MB has shortlisted for us. Nice place tho a bit pricey. After that went to the tailor to get my measurements for some clothes Ammi will be making for the wedding and stuff. Back home Ammi got me to try on a saree...felt sexy lol. Modelled in the melon punjabi suit as well. Lovely.

Went for dinner with my future family at 4 seasons. Food was really good till I was so bloated up by the end of it. And they still had space for ice cream...twice at that!! (Ben & Jerry's wasnt satisfying so they had round 2 at Temptations. I was so full ad nauseam that I really could only take one spoon at Temptations). Not surprisingly parents (actually just one of them) made me feel guilty again for "leaving them stranded" on their own. Sorry but it's not gonna work. Even Auntie understood that I needed some time alone with MB/his family. Oh well...

Day 8 - Sat 01.11.08
Yikes, so fast we're on the second last day...sob sob. Had a great day out minus some (expected) annoyances. First was the Qutub Shah tombs..and then the highlight of the trip...the Golkonda Fort. Yes we conquered the 360 steps! Mama was a bit sick but I think the rest of us managed really well. Didn't feel that enlightened when we got to the top tho..tour guide duped us lol.

A trip wouldn't be complete without shopping so our final stop for the day was Shilparamam Handricraft Village which was the only place I visited on my last trip. Managed to get good gifts for everyone, after much haggling. Thanks baby for bringing us there even tho u had to be home and u hate shopping :P

Then came the point I couldn't bear it any longer. Held on to MB really tightly the whole drive back. Sigh. If only this moment could last forever. I'll miss you baby.

Day 9 - Sun 02.11.08
The Last Lunch with both families. Auntie traumatised cos she isn't such a chatty person but each time she goes quiet Ammi says "u're not talking to me cos u don't like me anymore?" lol. Too bad, she's gonna aim u from now on..wahahaha. Managed to avert some major embarrassment after lunch and was pretty happy it went successfully.

Night time. It's time to say goodbye. I thought I'd be fine. But the moment I saw him at the airport, my tears flowed again. Stuck to one corner to calm myself down. Thanks for distracting me with ur lame jokes. It worked (tho I may have been pissed at the time lol). Final huggies with Ammi. Abbah tapped my cheek so lovingly...hee. Cried some more looking at MB, but promised I'll be his brave girl so I tried my best to stop. Ammi was like tapping my shoulder and saying..don't be sad, u'll see him (us?) again next July. That's still a long time Ammi. So much for being strong...was crying even at the check-in counter...then immigration...lol.

Till we meet again *muah muah muah*.

Lots of pics of the trip here.

[rude engagement gift from prof]

I really did not need this news now. Not right now. Not when I should be happy celebrating my engagement and making plans for the wedding. Not when things at home are weird. Not when I've enough things to worry about. Not when I haven't made concrete plans for the future.

I guess instead of lamenting about why me, did i do anything wrong, why now, what about the future, why such poor management, what next, how could u say such a condescending thing then call it a joke, etc, etc, I should focus on:

1. This is an opportunity to do something I really want, e.g. publishing/editing.
2. I did learn a lot of things from the department and I shall cherish the experiences I've had (recall Sweden heh..and Bangkok...and Hyderabad).
3. I even had fun performing on stage here...should thank AW for pushing me to do it :)

4. I've had a very good example of how unstable things are in academia, which has convinced me even more that this isn't the place to stay.

And perhaps it's a sign that it's time for me to move somewhere else. At least I wouldn't leave Singapore thinking, oh no, I left behind a good/stable job. Yep, time to look ahead now. Please give me the next direction now God. And Thank You for your guidance so far.

[you need a mirror]

i'm arrogant.

i'm a snob.

i don't care about you.

i'm insecure.

i rely on someone to make me happy.

i only care about my own success.

i neglect her.

i'm lazy.

i'm not realistic.

the world does not revolve around me.


it's soooo true what they say...when u criticise someone about something, it's really a reflection about YOURself...about how you don't like a certain quality in YOURself. ah if only i could give you a mirror. so that you could like....read the last line...in BOLD.

[De-cluttering your inner life]

For more details, visit this link on how to Lighten Your Load.

[e-published]

wee! my photo has been selected to be published as a pic in an online travel guide. sounds small but it's a big deal to me heh. yay! hope more get chosen for other guides!