[all packed up, not]

Here's a break from the tale of the rat.

I'll be leaving in a week's time for the final portion of this journey. 

63 days to go according to the ticker.  Apparently some people look forward once they get double digits.  I think I was more excited when I passed the 100 days-to-go mark for the wedding.

How do I feel?

A mix of feelings as I mentioned previously.  But how am I feeling about going home?

Truth be told, I'm not looking forward to it as much as I anticipated.  Last year when I envisioned this period, I thought - yay, I'd be home hibernating, waiting for baby to arrive.  Last year I was so eager to go home I leaped at the chance of going twice.  Last year I was sure my family would change when I told them I was pregnant.

I don't doubt that they are excited to see H and all, but I still feel disconnected.  My dad, the "sober" one, has hardly asked me anything about the pregnancy. I only remember him congratulating me at the beginning. Then again, he's always been silent, so I can't fault him, I guess.  My mother was not so involved initially but she got more and more excited as time went by. Yet, with her living in her own world, and certain characteristics of her which not many of us like, makes me wonder how much she's truly interested in knowing about my journey.  As usual, it seems like she wants a one way effort in our relationship, and no, I don't want to do that.  Sakura has been the most eager, asking me for updates constantly.  Anyway, despite their reactions, I'm sure about one thing - even if they're not going to pay me any attention, H will definitely be loved by them all. Loved and spoilt...heh.

One of the main reasons I'm suddenly reluctant to go back is because Mr F has been taking so good care of me.  Ok, so his enthusiasm to be the in charge of the house chores died down about 2 weeks after it started.  But I can say for sure that he's been such a doll when it comes to comforting me, being there for me on my lousy days, being there at every doctor's appointment, giving in (sometimes) to my cravings.  In his words, "Who is going to run down at 12 midnight when you're hungry to get u food?"  I guess he also knows my family's helpfulness and he's a little worried about whether I'll be able to be independent for a couple of months.  I guess I wouldn't be feeling so insecure had my darling parents helped me with some stuff I had requested.  My mother's current wave of "you don't care about me" is making me even more stressed. I am in no mind to have any arguments with her when I'm back, yet I am also in no mood to play pretend and act as if all is well between us. Sigh...

To top it all off, my in laws will be coming to Sg for the delivery. They have every right too and I am amazed at their enthusiasm.  Yet, with the way things were when they came over the last time, I am pretty worried how things are going to turn out.  MIL has decided to come over everyday to be with H, and my mother will be home during that period because of school holidays. Two strong characters in the same house the whole day, I hope I don't lose my sanity. For now I must remind myself that my job is to focus on H, and Mr F can deal with the family policitcs. Good luck to him lol.

The option of staying on here and doing everything just the two of us suddenly seems very enticing.  These past couple of weeks have seen us being very mushy to each other.  Apparently, as much as I don't like it here, the F factor has made me want to consider delivering here. I even requested that Mr F be mean to me this week so that I won't miss him so much. As if that's working...

I guess for now I'll just go with the flow.  Tickets are booked. Luggage bag taken out. Now for me to fill it up...

Shall just tell myself that things probably won't be as bad as I'm imagining them to be.  In any case, will be looking forward to Mr F joining me in Dec to welcome our firstborn. Yippee!