[when hope gets crushed]

I've given up hope, that things would be normal. I have a dysfunctional family, and I'm comforted in the fact that I'm not alone. Just that I haven't met many families as dysfunctional as mine perhaps.

You have shown me how involved you want to be with the wedding. Fine, I accept. I'd rather plan things myself actually, I'm independent.
You have shown me how you want to exert power over us. Monetary power according to you. So be it. Live in your own delusional world. I swear, if I didn't need to depend on you, you'd be the last person I'd ask for help, especially with this attitude of yours.
You have shown me how quick your attitude changes. How you flip flop your moods. At least now I know your true colours. I shall be nice, but I shall not let my guard down.
You, of all people, cut me deep when you said it's not all about me. If my lifeline tells me that, what hope do I have left that I'm not alone?

I've learnt from this experience that it's best to depend on yourself. You may be your worst critic, but you're also your best friend. When you let yourself down, at least you can do something to change things. That's not something you can do with others. For things to change, it must start with you.

I can only pray that the next phase of my life goes better. Hope. Should I still hope?

[we can but dream]

***********

Picture a dreamy village in the south of France overlooking the Mediterranean sea. The morning sea mist is fading away slowly as the sun shines out brightly over a clear sky. The chateau overlooking the sea from its majestic cliff stands out from the green valley floor. And as far as the eye can see, it is greeted with a vista of unparalleled beauty and serenity. The well-manicured garden walls of the chateau overlooking the sea are bedecked in banners of alternate blue and lilac. The guests are seated in two rows of white chairs over which white colored pergola trained with green grapevines provides shade, leaving a narrow pathway in the middle for us to pass through. The bridesmaids dressed in lilac are standing on the right while the groomsmen dressed in sky blue are on the left. The groom comes in on a horse bedecked in blue, looking intoxicatingly charming in his dark blue intricately embroidered sherwani. The bride comes in on a single horse drawn carriage trailing with lilac streamers, dressed in the finest silk ivory gown, trails overflowing gracefully, fine hand-sewn crystals glistening under the gentle sun. her father takes her hand as she steps gracefully off the carriage, and they both walk arm in arm to the elegantly decorated white dais where he places her hand in the groom's. The ceremony then takes place while the sun shines cheerfully over the joyous day. As the solemnization finishes, the groom lifts up the bride's veil and kisses her. The guests cheer and at the same instant a dozen white doves are freed which creating a dreamy atmosphere. He then carries her into the chateau where the feast begins.

***********

[what kind of person?]

what kind of person...

...is so insecure

• no one knows her real age, tho she claims she's young
• she flounces herself (and her cleavage) around her (male) supervisor(s)
• flirts with every single men in sight, even if they're less than half her age
• goes all out making her colleagues miserable by complaining to their respective supervisors and/or dumping more work on them
• is only happy when someone is as "miserable" as her
• get jealous when those younger than her (i.e. less than ~45) have good things going in their life e.g. doing their PhDs/getting married, etc
• compares a colleague getting an engagement ring/married to her buying herself a ring/being propositioned by a married guy respectively
• gets upset when colleagues from the preceeding two points above join her "gang" for tea since they're probably seen as "competitors" to her

...is so conceited

• she thinks the whole world revolves around her
• she thinks she is right all the time
• thinks her junior staff is her PA, making her run errands like collecting faxes and buying lunch for her
• complains to the whole world how her boss is unfairly not promoting her (financially)
• shouts at the very boss who has kept her in the job all these years while letting others go unfairly
• asks her superiors to do things for her like throwing away her rubbish

...is so dishonest

• she takes other people's hard work, deletes "done by: XX" and replaces it with her name
• in doing the above, makes her superiors think "oh i'm so stomped with work yet i'm so capable since i did ALL this myself"
• she spends half her office time on the phone complaining how life is so unfair, yet continues on with the above two points
• she says different things in front of your face and behind your back

It's also sad that someone can be so...well...insecure. Obliviously self-destructive. So much so till everyone new who interacts with her sooner or later figures her out and realises what a "nice" person she really is.

It almost seems an undeserved honour that I'm blogging about her. All sorts of people exist in this world huh?

[Happiness Is Only Ever Now]

"Few of us ever live in the present, we are forever anticipatingwhat is to come or remembering what has gone." - Louis L'Armor

Many pubs in the United Kingdom have an infamous sign hanging above the bar:

"Free Beer Tomorrow!"

It's funny because, of course, "tomorrow" never comes.

But when you think about it, how many of us truly live our lives like that?

We spend so much time thinking about the past, or contemplating the future, that we forget to live in the moment. We fail to realize that happiness can only EVER be now.

Let me give you an example.

You're driving through the city and your favourite song hits the radio. You're stuck in traffic, but loving the music - and you start to crazily sing along. You really get into it. You're in the moment. But then you catch a few jealous faces in nearby cars, and go all shy and timid.

Suddenly you're no longer living in the moment. You're wondering what they'll think about you. You're concerned they'll disapprove. You freeze up. Your happiness has gone, and your inhibition has arrived.

You're no longer in the moment, in the NOW - you're stuck thinking about wanting approval from these people, worried what they'll think of you outside that moment.

Try to catch yourself at some random point today - and just check what's on your mind. If you're like most people, you'll be somewhere other than here and now.

You'll be thinking about whether you made a good impression with that guy earlier today. You might be thinking the holiday you have planned for next September. Or how all of your problems will be solved this time next year.

You'll be anywhere but in the MOMENT. In fact, we each spend 95% of our time in the past or the future.

But here's the thing: Life is transient. The past has gone. The future is just a dream. The only time that truly exists ever is RIGHT NOW.

In other words, RIGHT NOW is the ONLY time you can do or change ANYTHING in your life.

You are only ever what exists in THIS MOMENT.So, are you HAPPY right now? Are you doing EVERYTHING you'd like to - and feeling THRILLED with life, as you read these words? If you're not, then make the decision to be happy.

NOW.

And if you'd like, put down this book, and go fly a kite. Or tell your partner that you love them. Or get your groovy flares on and head out to the nearby disco.

NOW is the only time you can change anything. And NOW is the only time you have.

So, make that simple decision - to be happy NOW.

Karl Moore - The 18 Rules of Happiness

[show me red]

I've been quiet. I've been thinking. I've been worrying.

Suddenly 3 months seems so close. 3 months till I marry the love of my life. 3 months till my month away from work (note: NOT a vacation..haha). 3 months till...

I can't help but feel a certain emptiness. The looming thought that I'll be away from the people that made me happy throughout my years of turmoil at home. The people who kept me going, who kept me laughing. My friends. I've seen friendships disappearing once people get married. New commitments, juggling a new home, family and in laws. What more if I'm gonna move away. Will the friends I counted on still be there when I'm back? Will things be like they always were?

It's a part of life my auntie says. True. Everyone's gonna go through it. In her blunt-but-tyring-to-cheer-me-up words: Better be the dumper than the dumpee. Not that I'm dumping anyone, but true, friends aren't gonna wait for you when it's their turn to live their life; so why give up my future for them.

But as much as I'm looking forward to carrying on with my life, it is gonna be sad leaving my friends behind. So to my dear friends, please keep in touch, now and in time to come. I have to say that some of my friends have really been taking time to spend more time with me after I "warned" them last year that I'll only be here for only a year or so longer. Thank you.

For now, I shall comfort myself with God's blessings of the 1) Internet i.e. facebook, blogging, etc 2) sms-ing and 3) easier travel (let's hope hyderabad or wherever I land up becomes SIA's fave routes i.e. more discounts lol).

Maybe it's more than just missing my friends. Maybe it's the fear of the unknown. Moving into a more conservative, male-dominated society. Maybe things would be different if I had been moving to a more modern society (Sweden..woo! haha). Maybe...

I just have to remind myself that, at the end of the day, it's worth it.