[glow or grow?]

Someone commented that I should be having a pregnancy glow now that I'm in the 5th month.

Frankly speaking, I don't see any pregnancy glow but instead just pregnancy grow. Growing swollen ankles, growing tummy, growing number of stretch marks so soon..gah.

Feels like I'm having one of the most unglamorous pregnancies actually.  Hopefully the anecdote "it gets better" will be true for subsequent pregnancies.

I have rashes on my shoulders, and the weirdest part is that they're concentrated solely on where the sleeves of my tops are (is that supposed to be a comfort?).  I have stretch marks so soon. My tummy is expanding so fast I feel like a walrus who will soon be promoted to a whale.  I have swollen ankles which have become so big I only have one pair of shoes I can fit into, and they're wearing out fast.  I have facial acne outbreaks more often and some on my back too, which unfortunately some people like to point out and make me feel even worse.  I have a sour taste in my mouth quite often which I don't know how to eliminate and makes eating somewhat unappealing.  I have some hyperpigmented creases at my neck and the linea nigra down my belly.  My fainting episode has apparently been attributed to low-ish iron levels so I hope the iron pills do a better job otherwise I've been warned that I might need iron infusions in month 7 onwards.  As if these pleasures of pregnancy were not bad enough, yesterday came the epitomy of all embarrassments, I had blood in my stool.  I shall not go into details the embarrassing part but thank goodness no one checked me when I was at the ER, just some tests and lots of questions to rule out anything more serious. Diagnosis: hemorrhoids.  Seems it's common during pregnancy because of the pressure on the blood vessels in the you-know-where, go figure, I would've never associated the two at all.  I feel like if there were a checklist of the side effects of pregnancy, most of them would be ticked by now.

Some people's theories are that since it's a boy, my body is reacting to the extra testosterone.  Others comfort me that when it's a girl, I will feel the glow. Let's hope.

Whatever it is, I'm grateful to have hubby's support. Yeah he tries to annoy me sometimes (and succeeds) by going "Eeee, look at the rashes on your shoulders", but most times, he comforts me by saying I'm still the most beautiful woman to him, if not more.  One time I was feeling so insecure, he reassured me by saying that even though I felt I had a hideous tummy, when he sees it, he doesn't think of me as a walrus, but instead that it's our boy growing inside of me. I'm tearing just thinking of his sweet words =)

I know this is all going to go away when baby comes. Right now I just have to convince myself that walrus or not, whatever I'm going through is worth it.

[it's a....]

So we know the gender of our baby. Seems our instincts were right after all. Woot!

Actually we have known for awhile (like two entries ago..which was why I wanted to update on bubs), but we didn't tell non-family till our most recent scan last weekend. I was quite freaked out by the term "foetal anomaly scan" and kept worrying about the outcome but Alhamdulillah, bubs is doing good.  He was so cheerful during our scan and cooperative as always.  I was already grinning when I saw the shadow of his face on the normal ultrasound, when we could see his image more clearly during the 3D version, I was so excited the radiologist told me to keep still so she could do her job. Haha. Aiyah, let mummy be excited lah!  He seemed to be smiling throughout the scan, at first covering his face then letting us see it clearly.  Everyone I've showed the pic to says he's just adorable...of course lah...my baby what...hahaha. Sakura says it's because he's in a no stress environment so he's happy...maybe if he's in Sg he won't smile as much lol.

Ok, so I guess I've already said it's a he..so no need to declare explicitly.  My emotions were mixed - from the excitement of determining "the baby's" gender (now we can call it a "he" instead of "it" for sure) to being a little disappointed that I won't be buying cute pretty (pink) dresses anytime soon, to being totally in love with hubby again thinking that a part of him is in me.  It's like I've fallen all over in love with Mr F again, on a different level (note: not that I'd fallen out of love with him heh). 

If there's one way of describing how I'm feeling these days it's this: I've always been skeptical but now I know what it means to fall in love with someone even before knowing them.  SG's song "I knew I loved you before I met you" rings so true now... No way is that line cliche anymore.  Call it mushy motherhood feelings, but it's totally real.  We talk to him everyday, I stare at his ultrasound pics constantly, am amazed everytime I see the "alien" movements in my tummy. I simply can't wait to meet him.  4 months suddenly seems so long!

He's a really good boy and InshaAllah he will come out healthy, happy and calm like he is right now.  My little one, we love you so much. Hope to see you soon!

 

Our cheerful boy at 21 weeks...thank God for technology eh?

(labels were added for the in-laws :P)

[what was the update about?]

So much for updating my previous post. Now I've forgotten what I wanted to write about. Growing old lol.

The only thing I remember that I wanted to post about was my birthday this year. Unlike the last, this year's one was pretty fun...met up with the DH gang and had a sumptious dinner at an Indian restaurant.  The best part was the cake..yummy BR cookies and cream cake...mmm.  The food was alright, the company was good, albeit for the fact that there was too much Urdu so I couldn't catch most of the jokes. And hubby didn't understand my eye signals so he only translated jokes when I asked him to. Sigh.  I'd wanted to meet Y the day after, but sadly she was not feeling well and I guess with Ramadan the next day, it was a good thing to rest.

August went by very fast. Seems that fasting or not, Ramadan passes very fast. Can't believe summer is coming to an end (now that there's a concept of "summer" here, I can comment on it).  Sometimes I wonder if I wasted it away. But seeing the amount of work I did, I guess I didn't.

National Day this year was a homely affair. We had dinner at a M'sian restaurant (the irony) and the catching up with faces you only see once a year was good (sounds like a typical Hari Raya affair in our family haha).  The food was yummy and although the venue was a "step down" from last year's Four Season's, Mr Ambassador had a point - better to have local food which is something that sort of gels us together as S'poreans rather than international food at some posh place that not all can appreciate, especially seeing the occassion.  Hubz must be very excited about little bubs cos now even the Ambassador knows I'm preggie.  They were talking when hubz called me over and first thing Mr Wong did was to congratulate me, and I was taken aback. Heh.  He's a nice guy though and offered some advice here and there.  He even offered advice about how to deal with subsequent children but I was like...err..one by one please. Lol. Reminds me of how MIL nicely sms-ed and said 6 children would be ideal.  SIX? My God, at the rate of how I'm feeling, I can't even think when we'll have the next one. Exhausted even before baby is born...after how?? Unforunately hubz had to go back to office (yes, at 9pm!) so we had to leave early..gah.  I hate HW now, seriously, making him work long hours is one thing, but can't you cut some slack during Ramadan?? ROAR.

A pregnant and bloated me

(wore my Hari Raya baju kurung early just in case by the time it comes, I can't fit into it anymore :P)

they came over to my seat to take pics so that pregnant lady doesn't have to walk...I'm not disabled lah lol

(SW thought I was putting on weight, apparently SL had to tell her I was preggie...haha)

Seems I do have stuff to write about afterall, it's all coming back to me now...

Ramadan this year has it's new challenges for me.  I kind of knew I would not be able to fast because I have a bubs who doesn't allow me to go off schedule with my food intake.  I tried one weekend and only lasted one day.  By the 2nd day at noon I felt the nausea creeping up again and since I was a little late in tackling it, out came gastric juices and awhile later whatever I tried to eat. Sigh.  Feel guilty but I shall remember that God is kind and doesn't want us to suffer.  Another struggle is to get enough energy to cook for Mr F.  It's especially tough when he expects me to cook even though I feel like crap, or maybe it's just me over-reading or being over-sensitive about his comments the first couple of times I tried to ask him to get food from outside.  That coupled with odd sleeping/waking hours - I've been cooking at all sorts of odd times of the day. First is the rush for iftar around 5 when I've napped for an hour (not enough) after getting home from work, then whatever time I have energy to cook for sahor (my "achievement" so far is cooking at 2am - not a very good idea seeing that being half awake in the kitchen has it's dangers...).  Sometimes with the odd hours, I find that my sleep is disturbed and I only get about 5 hours of sleep a day. Sigh. I even managed to get one "stitch" (they use steri-strips these days..) from rushing to cook iftar. That is another story to tell heh.

Even then, I'm amazed I managed well the two-thirds of it.  Only the last few days I've been more lenient to myself, declaring defeat when I can't make it to the kitchen.  It's probably not a good thing but this year I feel like I can't wait for Ramadan to be over so that I don't have to struggle in the kitchen.  I sound like a Ramadan grinch right now..ha.  6 days to go..I can do it!

Looking forward to our Eid break...hope we have fun together! :)

[halfway there!]

Wow, time really does fly. I think I was so pre-occupied with coping with the woes of carrying Little Peanut that time must have flown out the window.  Either that or I've been quite busy with work so I didn't notice time flying by.  Somehow, my baby ticker also flew away, so I had to re-paste another one...haha.  Am glad that we're already halfway there. Can't wait to see you soon Baby! This also spells that I'm closer to going home...yay!

Not sure where to start with updates so I'll probably go chronologically.  My habibi was so generous - apart from the impromptu dinner, the flowers, he totally surprised me with an LV clutch bag. Wow! My first ever (very) branded thing. Hehe.  I kind of suspected he was up to something because on the day he was supposed to fetch me from shopping, he left me with the girls while he disappeared into thin air.  Later on when I said I was done, he was still "busy" and when he reappeared, he had a paper bag in his hand which he was trying very hard to hide.  Later when we got into the car, he handed it to me and I was like WHOAAAAA. Haha. Needless to say, I was grinning big time - all the way home - so much so my cheeks were aching from smiling too widely.  Thank you darling!!



my first (and hopefully not last) LV



lots of compartments...hubby knows my taste!

My LV deserves a photoshoot..teehee

As if those were not wonderful surprises enough, we had a short staycation at the east coast the next weekend.  I was double surprised when hubby acceded to my request to stay in a hotel rather than a furnished apartment, and triple surprised when he said we could stay in a suite rather than the standard room. Woooo. Something told me I was going to enjoy this weekend :P  Official reason for the trip: Settle bank matters. Unofficial reason(s): A getaway for us, celebrate 2nd anni, pre-bday escape, i'm-bored-of-this place, and so on... Somehow I like our unofficial reasons better. =)

A surprise for him

Short trip to the corniche

Enjoy the weekend we did, even though we didn't do much.  We lounged around most of the time, did some shopping, caught up on sleep and enjoyed each other's company in the huge suite. I like!  Sometimes a lazy holiday is just what you need.  We drove home receiving good news on the way, S had given birth to their baby boy.  So instead of going home directly, we dropped by the hospital to see the new parents and cute lil boy.  Adorable he is..and very talkative even though he was only a few hours old lol. Definitely not like his mum :P

Our fun didn't end there...shall write more updates on the next post. Ta for now!

[Happy 2nd!]

Yet another year has flown by quickly.  Someone commented that my FB status was not romantic, but if you knew our history, living 2 years together without killing each other is a big achievement. Lol.  We used to fight so much online even before we were a couple, we used to say, if we ever got together, we'd end up killing each other.  I think we're doing pretty good...don't think we've had any major quarrels in the past year.  First year had its ups and downs as we got to know each other, I think the 2nd year we understood each other better and are more aware of each other's feelings and how to react to them.

Celebration wise let's not talk about it.  Hubby has been coming home late lately and by late I mean at least 9pm.  There were a couple of times last week he came back at twelve-freaking-thirthy-am.  Sigh.  "At least" yesterday he came home around 9 something.  Our celebration was no more than a cheesecake and ice choco drinks at an atas cafe in town.  Unfortunately even that was interrupted by phonecalls by the %$##! in his office.

Let's not talk about prezzies either. Between one very contented man and a fickle and pretty contented woman, neither of us got the other anything.

I'm not lamenting how disappointed I was on 11 July 2011 (just realised the numbers are nice..heh).  In fact, the little coffee we had and the de-tour hubby took on the way home so that we could spend more time together was enough to perk me up after missing him the whole day. 

♥Happy Anniversary Darling♥

Thank you Allah for blessing us with each other.

Our 3rd anniversary will InshaAllah have a 3rd person celebrating with us. Good things come in threes. =)

Update: Wee, just an hour after posting this, hubby called to say he was coming home on time (sort of). And we were going for our post-anniversary dinner. Double wee! Dinner was at our favourite fish and chips place. Oh, and he got me a lovely bunch of flowers. Triple wee!!!

[tick tick ticker]

Yay I finally have my ticker up. Been wanting to have one for some time...well, the last one was our wedding ticker.  But these baby ones are sooo cute.  Maybe now I'll be able to track the days/weeks better, or with less thinking. At least I'm not the only one who seems to have trouble keeping track...other mummies experience it too!

I still don't know how to put it as a tagboard, so it's not that I'm predicting the date to be 30th Dec. Since one dr said 28th and another said 30th, I'm just assuming that's roughly when lil baby will come out.

Oh and if you notice, I deliberately did not choose a baby boy or girl.  Firstly, we don't know yet and secondly, I shall not assume (based on our hunches or desires). So there you go, ala emancipated Mimi's style, our baby will be gender neutral till we find out it's gender (well she took it a step further by not announcing it to the world till they were born, but I shan't do that. and no, i'm not a fan, i just happened to watch her interview on tv one day :P).

[changes]

I'm not too sure if I should title this post as "changes" or "pregnancy symptoms".  I guess it's an overlap, since pregnancy is a huge change.

Zzzzzz

One of the biggest change is my current lack of energy. It started right after our MS trip, when even Ez commented that I've been tired ever since returning.  On hindsight, our little peanut had a mighty adventurous first few weeks of life since at that time we were very active during weekends. Maybe it will be inspired to take on mummy's travel adventures.  Since the 5th week or so, energy levels have dipped to an all time low. I admit I was never very energetic upon returning home from work, but these days it seems like a nap is almost a must.  Last week I was determined to stay fresh after work so I didn't give in to the bed the moment I returned, but apparently, when you're this tired, even sitting upright on the sofa can let you fall asleep.  A full meal and Beethoven's symphony can also put me asleep on the drive home.  Poor Mr F, surprised a couple of times when his passenger didn't respond to him. :P

Baby bump

I officially have a baby bump, I think.  At least hubby says so and I guess my tummy IS growing bigger. My hesitation is that I'm not sure if it's really a bump or I'm growing fatter, since I wasn't stick thin to begin with hence the changes are less noticeable.  Have taken a photo or two to show Auntie and Jam (yes, they're quite eager to see me growing), so let's hope they see the difference and not say I'm just fatter. Haha.  Still a bit conscious so till I have a fully rounded belly, don't think I'm going to post pictures up just yet.

Emo street

Even before we got the news, I was getting more and more emo.   Crying at little things, or upset over trivial things.  So much so hubby commented one evening: You're so emo these days, maybe you're preggie. Needless to say, things are even more dramatic now. Yesterday, after finding out that I wasted about $130 on bras that were too small and couldn't be exchanged, I stopped in my tracks and started apologising (and sobbing) to hubby for wasting money.  And I mean stopped in my tracks in the middle of the shopping centre! (On a side note, what a stupid system! Can't try on the bra cos no changing rooms, and yet can't exchange or return it...wtf! The first maternity bra I bought was too big because of this, and the current ones, which are a size smaller, are too small...fantastic! And no, I'm not about to ask the salesMEN for help on sizing because I do not want them checking out my boobs...roar!!!  Not that they seemed very helpful anyway.  Point to note, shall buy oversized undies from now on, better to wait to grow into them than having them wasted...I guess I have to wait till I get back to my pre-pregnancy size.)  There've been numerous other instances to cry as well..such as worrying about hubby possibly not wanting me anymore once I get fat and ugly, wanting to go home or get out of here for good desperately (well, that's not a new one :P), and not having a fall-asleep-with buddy almost every night (consequences of yawning out loud and dozing off on the sofa: being dragged by hubby to the bedroom keke).  I think hubby is immune to my tears now.

Dreams

I've always been a vivid dreamer but it seems as if my dreams have become more and more outrageous of late. Apparently it's common for first time mummies-to-be to have strange dreams, which more often than not reveal some sort of anxiety about being a good mum or insecurities that have been lingering in the subconscious mind.  My conclusion...if I were to make my dreams into a movie, they'd sell even better than a Spielberg blockbuster!

Aversions i.e. nausea

I've developed strange aversions, mostly to smells and food.  I can't stand the kitchen now, just entering it makes me nauseated. It doesn't help that the sink sucks, but little things such as just opening the onion plastic can make me gag. Let's not talk about the garbage... Needless to say, because of these reasons cooking has become an even bigger chore.  At times, I'm so averse to being in the kitchen that as long as I get to fry an egg for dinner, I'm happy.  I also can't stand the sell of burnt popcorn, so hubby now has to make popcorn only after I sleep (poor guy). I also get quesy at the sight of red meat, and often times throw up after eating meat.  I always try to tell baby, mummy needs the iron, so please cooperate. Heheh.  Most of the times feeling hungry makes me puke (strange!), but eating the wrong thing also does the same, so it's a tricky situtation.  The only fool proof thing that works right now is work.  But work = exhaustion, so go figure!

The one thing I can't wait to get rid off is the nausea and I'm glad it's gradually improving.  Let's hope I get to experience the so-called easy trimester soon, and enjoy the baby glow.  Looking forward to our next appointment eagerly, want to see little peanut waving at us again.  Wee!

[another new beginning]

This place, as much as I still haven't developed an affinity to, has seen several new beginnings in our lives.  A new beginning for us as a couple, a new beginning in owning a home (well renting, same difference :P), a new beginning in living abroad for me.

As of April 27, we discovered we will be making another new beginning. InshaAllah, come end of the year, we will be celebrating the culmination of our love - as parents. I'm being melodramatic I know, but in this instance, I think I have the perogative to.

I have not announced it to the world (i.e. using the very reliable no-privacy tool - FB) and neither do I intend to.  Based on the previous post, I have not been able to tell certain people as soon as I would have liked and have yet to tell them the news personally.  As unideal as it is, I guess a certain few will have to find out through my blog. Then I'll also be able to find out who still reads it...haha.  For now, a select few have been informed of their impending new roles :P

I'm usually kaypoh about how my friends found out they were expecting, etc, so I shall indulge with the details, if you want to know (otherwise ignore the next section). To make a long story short, it was kind of unexpected although we'd already been trying (and panicking at the lack of instant results lol).  Neither did we expect to find out the news the way we did - at the ER because I was complaining of lower left abdominal pain for a couple of weeks.  After a couple of almost-scares, All Praise be to Allah, little peanut and mummy are doing well now at 3 months and 1 week.  Here was our initial "adventure" with the doctors:

April 27 - Finally we go to the ER at 9pm because pain becomes unbearable. 

First qs dr asks is whether I'm pg.  I say I'm a week late so test #1 is a pg test. Suspect: ectopic pg.  Us: WORRIED.  After a gruelling 1 hr wait in the paed ER (bcos they had no beds in the adult section), Test: Positive. Reaction: Wow, really? :P

April 28 - No female radiologist the night before so we have to come early morning for an emergency ultrasound in the ob/gyn dept.  ER dr (not the same one who attended to us the night before) scares the shit out of us by saying that although it's not an ectopic pg, some fluid which is not supposed to be there is present.  To confirm with ob in 2 wks time.

So for 2 weeks we sit biting our nails...even Auntie who's a female reproductive system specialised nurse can't make the link between what the dr said and why it's bad.

May 10: Good news comes in 3s!  Dad signed our BTO lease papers, got news of a possible promotion, and most importantly, there is nothing wrong with the baby. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.  We can't thank God enough.  (On a side note, we felt like kicking that dr's you-know-where.)  Baby is roughly 8 weeks old and I am privileged to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time - MashaAllah, no words could describe the miraculous moment!  Unfortunately daddy-to-be could not come into the room, but I described it to him.

June 16: Appt #2 - detailed scan. Corrected EDD is 28 Dec 2011.  Baby, can wait 3 days for new year? Lol.  Baby waves to us during ultrasound and this time hubby got to be in the room. Yay Dr I, my new gynae. Changed gynae bcos the previous one seemed uninterested in her job.  Good decision I made.

The first few weeks were very smooth, but in the 3rd month I got morning sickness to the core.  My record was 3 times one evening followed by 5 times the next day.  IV fluids the moment I went to the ER but good thing I was not officially dehydrated yet.  These days I go to work just to keep distracted, and so far it seems to be working.  The more I work, the less I puke...yay.  I've got wonderful colleagues who have been doting on me, from making sure I eat on time to reminding me that I should drink milk and buy only decaff coffee.  Mr F has been a doll too, helping me with the housework and comforting me each time I have to visit the toilet for unglamorous throwing up sessions. Blessed I am.

Everyone at home is excited of course.  Sakura has seen a need to define roles for everyone, or rather titles.  I'm not sure but I think she will be "Auntie", mum will be "Nana" and dad "Petapa". Ah, the multicultural family lives on (English - English - Tamil).  Auntie has been supportive all the way, even staying up till 1am everytime we have an appointment so that she can be up to date with what the dr said. Jam has coined a new term - nieson - niece + cousin.  Very creative.  In laws were elated over the phone and MIL constantly gets updates about me thru Mr F.

Ah a mighty long post. Which reminds me...have you thought about what a long process pregnancy is - 9 months (10 to be exact)! Have to be patient, and InshaAllah the end results will be marvelous.  Wee!

[on long distance relationships]

My friends would probably think I'm a pro on this topic, having been in one for half a decade which ended in a happily-ever-after  fairytale (well, sort of).  Ever since coming here, as I start to reflect on things, as much as I am not against long distance relationships, I wouldn't recommend it for the faint hearted.

The kind of relationship I've been pondering on is not so much a romantic one but a platonic one.  Although I was initially very dependent on my buddies in Sg for getting me through the long desert days and nights, I have somewhat been able to wean myself off the dependency.  It's not that I don't need them anymore, but as circumstances permit or don't permit, it is quite difficult to maintain an optimal conversation/relationship online when you are world's apart, literally and figuratively.

As everyday demands mount on you, such as work pressures, family commitments, social commitments, it is hard to find a common time to come online with the time difference. I have even found a trend - that as wrong as it sounds, more people seem to be online on weekdays during office hours than on weekends.  But although they are online at work, well, work being work, is not a conducive place to chat online.  The different weekday/weekend schedules further compound  this problem. Furthermore, as I grow more and more out of touch with happenings around my circles of friends as well as what is happening back home, the number of topics you are able to talk about declines gradually.  You soon find yourself talking about the same topic repeatedly or cracking your brain on what topic to talk about next.  Once in awhile, when you are in an epiphany of things to talk about, something or other crops up like a bad internet connection or a "I have to go off now".

Lately I've been more than a little ticked off by a couple of friends who claim they have been too busy to drop a line or two to at least tell me they are doing well.  It seems that the onus is on me to maintain the friendship.  Is it my fault because I had to go away? Doesn't it take two to clap, tango, or whatever else it is?  I almost feel like a sucker for wanting to maintain the friendships and it leaves me wondering if the other party is interested at all.

I guess this is part and parcel of living away from home.  While you make new friends, you risk losing the old ones, and sadly the latter is very real.  Though I'm not yet giving up, because I believe that since we were once good friends, there will be something to rekindle sooner or later.  On the end of the person who is living abroad, as KS said, it becomes tough when every summer, you find out that yet another expat friend of yours is leaving for good, and you never know when you will meet them again. 

"Friendships aren't always forever, but while you have them they are intellectually and emotionally enriching and you should always treasure them, even if they are short term." - KS

[A Nabatean Adventure]

According to Kak Su, there are two places that are definitely worth going here - EOTW and MS.  So since we've done EOTW last year, this time we ventured to MS.

In my layman terms, MS is an archealogical site on the west of this country. They were the same people who settled in Petra, which was the capital of their kingdom.  For more details, please refer to this.  Seems there is some Islamic history to it too.  This trip was much more adventurous albeit being a guided tour.  Off we were at 4am to the airport; a sleepy me equals a grumpy me so I warned hubby not to irritate me on the 4 hour bus ride we had to take once we landed.

I shall not go into details but the highlights of the trip were the Elephant Rock, the tombs of course, and the marvellous canyons surrounding the landscape.  Even our hotel was impeccably placed in a valley hence there were beautiful rock structures all around us.  The whole time, the lot of us felt as if we were not in this country, rather transported into some exotic location like the Grand Canyon. Indeed, it was that beautiful! Subhanallah.  Who can deny God's existence after seeing such beauty that encompasses us?

The service was perfect throughout the trip. We had security with us almost all the time - the official reason is that the king wants his tourists to be safe while venturing. Our take on it? Well contact me privately to find out..lol.  There were no delays, the guide and driver were friendly, the hotel though 2 star had amazing facilities including a pool which had a lot of privacy.  They even provided drinks in a cooler so that we did not get dehydrated, the buffet meals were satisfying and they even planned rest hours in the day so that we did not melt under the sun.  The group was also very diversified, with Europeans, Americans and us Asians.  Lovely people, would love to keep in touch with them.

I'm glad we made this pre-summer trip even though there were some complications initially (next one will be in Nov). Shall look out for more adventures in the coming months, but of course, with limitations...hehe.

Can you see the elephant?

Tombs tombs and more tombs

One of the few examples of lovely landscape

He was practising on the new cam, I enjoyed being the model :P

The biggest tomb standing tall and alone (and yes, it was windy)

For lots and lots more pictures, and a clearer story, click here.

[time to slow down]

April was extremely fun-filled.  Actually we've been having adventures from mid May till last week, from iris fields to desert biking to an impromptu trip to the east coast (beach..yay!), our MS trip, an istiraha party and more.

Thank you Mr F for putting in so much effort in keeping me "occupied" and happy. Happy indeed I am. But at this point, (actually even during some point mid-April), it's time to slow down.  Too much of anything is not good right? Haha.

The weather is getting a bit wonky, sandstorms almost every other day.  One day it's bright and sunny (and hot!), then a sandstorm happens, then the next day it rains. I'm loving the rain, but if only it'd happen without the sandstorms.  Unfortunately that's how things work here in the desert.  The weather is getting too warm for no aircon, but too much aircon plus constant exposure to dust made me get a sorethroat.  Hope it doesn't worsen to anything else!

Stay tuned for my post about our MS adventure!

[still here]

After my angsty rant two entries ago, my decision would seem somewhat contradictory.  However, in order to placate and remind myself why I made this decision, here goes this entry.

The thing that struck me most was when I told hubby that I hadn't come to an answer even after praying Istikharah (=prayer of guidance).  To which he said, if I really wanted the new job, things would have been very clear by now.  And mind you, I think 3 months, if not more, have passed since they made the offer, interviewed me and asked me for a decision (thanks to the laid back style here, I don't think anyone in Sg would wait that long for an answer!). So I did another Istikharah, before which I told Mr F that the "feeling" was clearer and the decision was easier when I did Istikharah for our marriage lol.  Actually, upon hindsight, I had already thought about staying at the first job after my first istikharah, it's just that I kept fighting the decision because of well, who knows why...

So anyway, as of last week, I have formally rejected the job offer.  I felt a little bad because I had already submitted the reference letters (felt bad about troubling my referees of course). But a decision had to be made and thanks to hubby who made me work through my decision making, I emailed the rejection letter.  Furthermore, it did feel that I was letting go of a possibly good opportunity.  But as of now, my reasons are:

1. My current superiors really cherish me. Dr A really sounded sincere with his advice and said he'd work on keeping me more challenged. He said if I wanted to lecture, he could give me a few hours to do that next semester.
2. Even though Dr F pretty much pissed me off with the conversation, he too has stepped up. Since that conversation, he's been calling me up almost every week to enquire how I am and "how's life" (which boss would ask that usually heh). He's even given me an assignment which I'm finding too hot to handle. Eeks.
3. Dr A must have told Dr M about my "misery" so Dr M is really stepping it up to keep me on my feet.  Been attending meetings after meetings with him, and upon my very thick skinned suggestion of sending me to Canada for training, although he blatantly said the university would (i quote) NEVER sponsor me because they think I'd run away with my husband there, he suggested some alternative ways of getting my own funding.  He even "invited" me to participate (mentor/lecture) in a new diploma course he'll be introducing next semester. Fun!
4. The new place is far and a one hour commute in peak hour is NOT ideal.
5. The current university is much more well known than the new one which is only just starting up.
6. I would be further away from the lab since the new job was mainly teaching/statistics. Dr F had a point there.
7. The new place, as several people have pointed out, works every cent out of you.  Even the profs there were complaining they were working too hard and did not have any time for themselves.  Not the kind of life I want while living here, since everything else is so laid back. Must enjoy before I get back to stressful Sg.
8. I did not get a very good vibe from the meetings I attended with them. At least at the current job I'm seen as a big shot and they come to me for help. The new place have ang moh big shots from South Africa, USA and what not, so I'd be a tiny tiny fry there. Should enjoy the glamour I'm getting now while I can right? ;)
9. The current job will be more flexbile if and when a baby comes.  And since we're planning on a child, reason 4 and 6 applies.  I want a stress free pregnancy. :P
10. Though theoretically the pay will be higher in the new place, the transport allowance does not totally cover the cost of a driver (dumb) and the net "gain" would not be much especially if they're going to work the life out of me.

I hope I remember these reasons.  I guess if I forget I can come back to my blog heh.  For now, I shall enjoy the new projects they are assigning me, including the one where I get to watch surgeries in the OR (wee!).

[breaking barriers]

No hugs, no kind words, no kisses, no affection.

We have a one-of-a-kind father. That we do.  He says things that hurt us, he complains when we ask for a gift (or just to buy us something that he deems unnecessary and expensive).  Yet at the end of the day, we know he loves us. How? We just do.

When I was on exchange, he constantly asked about my health. He offered to help me settle in and told me not to worry about money. When Sakura was on exchange, he kept in touch with her on Skype no less, and paid the hefty bill which she incurred after a senseless mistake without a single word of displeasure.

When we are sick, he doesn't offer to take us to the doctor and even scolds us if we go to a private (i.e. expensive) one. Yet when we continue to sniff, he nags us to see a doctor or take our meds till we finally do.

The only time I remember receiving a hug from him, as an adolescent onwards at least, was 4 years back when I was in depression.  Even while leaving for here, I pondered whether to hug him at the airport and I guess he got surprised when I did. Let's not talk about the awkwardness when he hugged Mr F after our wedding lol.

Even though he now thinks I "belong" to my husband, he constantly emails and asks about us. He always enquires whether the sandstorms are affecting my asthma and let's not forget the links he sends us for F's job applications.

I guess affection doesn't come naturally to him probably due to his upbringing.  Sakura wrote him a card today and in her own words: "then i so shy to give him. cos u know how we're so unaffectionate with papa. so after i give him then i run away to shower so he dun have to read in front of me." And when she said she'd return the money for the huge bill she got in dk, he said, i quote, "don't need, just study hard and then when u want to get married I will say BYEEE". Go figure!

Freaky or not, I had the exact same thought last night as I sms-ed him and signed off with "Love you" to replace my usual "Take care".  I went straight to bed with my hp facing down so that I wouldn't regret what I wrote lol.  His reply was that the govt was giving us money that'd be credited to my bank account.  Go figure!

 

To our dear father who shows his love in his own quirky ways... Happy Birthday, we love you. ♥

[career? what career?]

As of last week, I made two discoveries.  I wouldn't exactly say they were new discoveries, but they could be termed reaffirmations of notions I already had about living here.

To sum it up, I have a double disadvantage of being myself.  Firstly, I'm not a local, and more specifically (my own deduction), an Asian.  Westerners are treated as gods here, men and women alike. Arabs are in the middle runk.  Asians are varied, with people from the Indian subcontinent being at the lowest end of the heirarchy, and I would say, being a Singaporean gives you a slightly upper hand.  However, after talking to Dr M, in his exact words after I asked about the possibilities about being trained overseas or the like, "they wouldn't sponsor me, because I'm not a local".  ("they" being the university)

This very blatant disclaimer came a couple of days after I talked to Dr F about my job change considerations. Ha, here I was thinking that talking to him would help.  What essentially came out of the discussion was that it's my own decision to make, though they like me and definitely want me to say. Though in the midst of it all, he said something to the effect of my news being shocking and that he didn't know I was unhappy with my current position, and that "any other woman here with your kind of job would be happy [with the workload], but you're from a different background". 

So basically, being a non-local, Asian woman (maybe that's 3 disdvantages, no?) has put me at a great disadvatage. While I knew I would have career suicide coming here, I did not think it would be this bad. Then again, maybe I did and I wasn't being pessimistic afterall.  What's even more disappointing is to have the people I work with say things like that without any reserve.  As a follow up to my conversation with Dr F, yesterday he asked what I felt/thought about what we had discussed about.  Honestly I said "I've come to a conclusion that women here cannot have a career". His reponse? "Well, I thought you would've known that even before coming here." Light-hearted or not, it was yet another slap in my face.

I have a very important decision to make. To stay in my boring job and have it as just a job i.e. let's not talk about "career advancement", much more a career, or to be daring and venture into a different field, with more challenges (according to Dr A they will work my butt off there, and I believe him judging by how much the nurses are overworked there and how they're already giving me work even before joining) and a less willing husband.  Compounded with the decision of wanting to start a family soon, that's the main thing holding me back from taking the job, otherwise I am all up for it.

Dr F once asked if he knew someone with my background he could hire. Even then I was thinking, who would want to come to this place.  My response to him from now on will be: Why would I want to ruin someone's career by asking them to come to this MCP country???

I'm down in the dumps. Keep wondering how I can move forward from this but at this moment, I just feel that I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS FREAKING PLACE. HELP!!!

[my new baby]

So when I bought my first camera way back in 2006, I deemed it my "baby".  I was so proud of owning a semi-manual camera, and treated it with great care because 1) it cost me $800, which was a lot of money then since I'd just started working and 2) it was out of my first pay check so well, back to (1) but also because it was a memorable moment for me. Till now I treat it with such great care, often times huddling it close to me so that it gets all the TLC it needs.

If you haven't already known, I've been into photography since my secondary school days.  Is and I were, you could say, the pioneer girls in our then unofficial photography club under the wings of the AVA club (ok maybe I shouldn't remind everyone I was in that geeky club lol).  We were the first to get our hands on a manual film camera back then, attended courses with an ah-pek I remember (lol!) and by Sec 4, we were taking photos of official events in school and training our juniors how to use an SLR.  After we left, the photography club branched out to become a club of it's own (our campaign worked!).  Needless to say, I've always yearned for an SLR and have been more than hinting (more like thick-skinnedly asking blatantly) Mr F to get me one.

I was totally surprised one day, about two weeks ago, when Mr F started getting serious about buying one.  I'm not one who receives gifts easily.  Since childhood our parents only bought us expensive gifts on special occasions, mainly birthdays, so I was a little sheepish about receiving a gift on a "normal" day, and such an expensive one at that.  Moreover I didn't feel I "deserved" it (talk about esteem issues...) plus my Powershot is in excellent working condition except for the scratches on the LCD screen (the other thing I learned from my dad, fortunately or unfortunately, was that I shouldn't/couldn't get new things till old ones are dead and gone).   I tried to "postpone" it (to my birthday...many months away) but Mr F seemed pretty adamant about buying one, so we started our research.

Here I am, a proud owner of a Canon EOS 500D (reviews and specs here) which was a little above budget of an entry level SLR we were aiming for (though I was the one who convinced Mr F to go for a higher end one instead of upgrading later..hehe).

Love it! Compact, light and full of features!

As dramatic as this is going to sound, I am thrilled and extremely thankful to my dearest habibi for finally fulfilling my 13 year long dream.  Yes you could say it didn't need to be dramatic since I could've easily afforded one and almost every other person owns one these days. But for reasons stated above I decided to hold back on indulging, being the thrifty person that I am.

Now that I have a new "baby", I shall polish up my photography skills and hopefully come up with really beautiful photos.  Shall practive whenever I'm bored.  This is going to be dangerous...if I take 500+ photos on a week long trip with my first "baby", maybe with baby #2 that might double with all the trial and error shots.  Good thing cameras are digital these days! 

I ramble...perhaps it's time to continue reading up on the manual. Ta!

[conquering the dunes]

Remember how I said sand dunes + camels = my image of this desert country? Well, I'd been itching to go see some sand dunes; to be more exact, ride an all-terrain-vehicle (ATV) in the desert.  This famous spot, among expats who have nothing better to do at least, is about an hour's drive from downtown.  Well then again, plenty of locals do it too.  After months and months of bugging hubby, who came up with reasons like we don't have the right car, he doesn't know how to get there, we finally made the trip there. Seems he's up for lots of adventures these days. Me like!  This time I didn't let him give anymore excuses, because I even contacted members of an expat blog for coordinates or at least directions there. Coordinates we didn't get, but judging by the accuracy of our not very updated GPS, I think the well explained directions were more than sufficient.

I was more than surprised that his bunch of close friends were up for it. Note that they haven't previously "signed up" for any desert adventures for fear of it not being safe (for their ladies or otherwise) so us plus 2 more couples was more than I bargained for. It was a pity the nurses couldn't make it, what with S & S being in S'pore and Y being sick.

I was all prepared, buying sunblock just before leaving (they only have SPF 50 here..pathetic...must remember to stock up when I'm back in Sg). But the moment we arrived there, all was forgotten, so now I've got a tan that adds to the tan I got a couple of weeks before. At least now my family can't go "so much for living in a desert/sunny country" lol (they previously said that instead of getting tanned I've gotten fairer after staying here. no wonder women here have vit D deficiency heh). 

Off we went, me and Mr F sharing one ATV initially. He had a little trouble with confidence...he kept putting his foot down ala riding a motorbike whenever he felt the ATV wasn't stable, so we didn't progress much.  I initially thought I was too heavy so I got down so that hubby could ride by himself. The other reason I got down was cos I almost fell off once when we were going uphill and he braked abruptly. :P  Even then, he was still a little scared so I grabbed the bike from him and zoomed off without him..lol. Well, as a sideline, we got a new camera (shall post about that too!) so he kept himself busy playing around with it.

It was a totally exhilerating experience. I was initially hesitant about going too far, more so so that Mr F wouldn't be worried. But after I saw that he wasn't stopping me (maybe he was too engrossed with the camera), I headed off as far as I dared, but always looking back to see that I knew which direction I was heading from.  As I got more and more confident, I went faster and faster, thinking "woo hoo, I'm driving in this country!!".  Cheap thrill lah, but what to do..haha. That little emancipation was enough for me.  N was daring enough, or should I say she trusted me enough, to pillion ride with me a couple of times.  Till we got into a minor misadventure, after which I told her she'd be safer with her hubby. I didn't want to bear any responsibility...Baby A needs his mummy safe and sound! (I should also add that M was so daring, he even brought Baby A on a couple of rounds...if he becomes an ATV expert when he grows up, we know why!)

While Mr F stuck to the safer gravel ground, M&N and I conquered dune after dune, especially during our final "countdown". I was braking too much at first, but after M&N's motivation, I became more adventurous and literally zoomed over the dunes. It was like a roller coaster ride, up and down, down and up, sometimes the back wheel even lifting off the ground. Weee!

After that exciting experience, we had some desert that S made. Too bad she couldn't ride cos she was preggie...maybe next year heh. Since we have a new tripod, we took the opportunity to take some couple/group shots. Baby A had a mini photoshoot too, just too bad he wasn't smiling much, till he was lifted into the air.

It was a great day and I'm sure returning for more adventures, if not just to shoot more pics of the red sand dunes. Yay!

[iris fields]

I have to refrain from writing another post about how the DHs are so overprotected, but somehow that tale is related to this post. Let's just summarise by saying that K did not want to go for the trip because it wouldn't be safe for A.  A pity...  Between the last post and now, or I guess even longer than that, I realise I'm glad I married Mr F.  Although he's protective, he's not overprotective. And he's always in for an adventure.

That aside, the day started off early with me waking up at 6.30 am. Although the "official" time to wake up was 7, when I'm excited (and worried) about cooking for a picnic or preparations in general, I have an automatic alarm that wakes me up in the morning, if I hadn't already had a restless night's sleep.

After waking up that early instead of cooking the night before to have fresher food, I found out that the gas had ran out. What are the odds?? I was initially relieved thinking phew, I don't have to cook afterall (let's just say I have cooking esteem issues).  After prancing around the hall for awhile and feeling a tinge of disappointment, hubby said he'd try to check if the shop selling gas would be open. So off he went at 7am in search of a new gas tank.  I was happy as I heard the sound of the tank on the stairs signaling my preparations wouldn't go to waste!  Menu for the day: mee goreng! :) As part of my cooking esteem issues, halfway after reconstituting the noodles (don't have yellow mee here lah...have to use packed ones..), the noodles which I haven't tried before (supposedly pancit Canton aka Cantonese noodles in tagalog) seemed to be very little. So I told Mr F that we'll just leave it for ourselves. By some miracle (or perhaps I should've thought about it first, but it was 7 am so...) after adding the noodles to the ingredients, the volume plumped up so we were ready to set off.

We were the earliest car at the meeting point, not that we were going in our car. When our ride came, it seemed a little out of shape and I was like..hmm..I think it would be better to take our car. Mr F wasn't in the mood for desert driving so we stuck to our original plan. Off we set with Art and Mei.  They were good company and we had plenty of good, intelligent, light hearted and stimulating conversation throughout the 1 hour drive to our destination. Well, Mei did most of the talking.  She had lots of stories to tell about her myriad of experiences having lived and worked abroad.  Art was interjecting here and there, and whenever he did, I had to strain to hear him. Now who says all angmohs speak loudly..heh. Oh and I should add, I loved his Scottish accent!

Just as we were 1 km before our destination, our car got stuck in sand.  The spare wheel at the bottom of the car (seriously, why keep a spare wheel there of all places??) kept accumulating sand, and because of that the back tires also got buried in sand. Of all days, Siti n hubby didn't bring shovels in their usually well packed desert-friendly vehicle.  The next best solution was to tow the vehicle out of the sand.  The first attempt didn't work because the front wheel wasn't straight.  After straightening the wheel almost by hand (and I mean turning the wheels by hand, not with the steering), it was attempt #2, along with man-power pushing from the rear end.  This worked and thankfully we were out of the sand in no time, not before the tow hook of Art's car snapped. Ha.  I wonder if we were jinxed because even on our trip last year, our car was the one that had engine troubles. :P  Good thing we all had the mentality that these little misadventures added a little more spice to the trips, we would have interesting stories to tell. ;)

Then came the highlight of the day (well, my highlight anyway) - the picnic! Why? Because there was nasi lemak! Haha. Even while waiting for Siti n family who were the latest (due to some rice cooker issues), our motto was "We're not leaving until we have that nasi lemak". A bunch of S'poreans and M'sians desperate for local food, I bet we would have literally raided Siti's home had she not appeared.  Even if it meant forsaking the trip.  So there we were gobbling down the good food, including chicken curry Sara made.  All in all, as I said, it was a yummy-licious highlight.

We spent the next 2 hours literally waiting for the irises to bloom. Siti's intelligence (no pun intended there) had said they would bloom at 12, but there was no sign of any blooming even at 12.30. We were joined by a Msian convoy shortly and about an hour later, a Japanese convoy. Talk about foreigners trying to find amusement in a desert country!  It was cute seeing the Japs bowing to one another when they arrived.  Their intelligence told them the flowers would bloom at 1 but even then, the flowers were still sleeping. Siti attempted to wake them up by pouring coke (=caffeine) on them but even that didn't work. So much for the rain the night before...

By 2 pm, there were vague signs of the flowers blooming. One here, one there. Very sporadic. No 21 gun effect that we see at our NDP.  Our Msian neighbours told me that they had been there the week before and the entire fields were covered in purple. Maybe we went there a tad too late.  It was hilarious looking at such a big crowd (~15 of us, ~10 in the Msian convoy and at least 30 in the Jap convoy) bending forward, scrutinising and waiting patiently for the next iris to bloom. One lady squatted in her spot for so long, we were watching her from our car (city people lah, had to run for shade eventually, after we gave up using our umbrellas) and saying maybe she's got positive thinking: If I stare long enough, the flower will bloom.  We took several snaps and since it was getting too hot, we left at about 2.30.  The Jap had a better route so we took that one back out so that Art's car wouldn't get stuck in sand again, and thankfully it didn't.  In fact, we even stopped along the way to look at desert watermelons which I initially thought were tennis balls picnickers had left behind (kekeke).

So the iris fields were a little bit disappointing, but overall I had an enjoyable time.  Maybe next year we'll go a week or two earlier to watch the whole field turn purple, and have more nasi lemak of course.  Meanwhile, enjoy these photos!

How do we get out of this? (note Mei and her cute straw hat. Or at least, her shadow)

The rare couple pic

Our convoy

Maybe the irises had performance anxiety after seeing the crowd :P



before, after (pretty!)



Tennis balls Desert watermelons

P.S. On a separate note, the new blogger image interface seems much better than before. Good!

[over protected]

What am I to do with my life
(You will find out don't worry)
How am I supposed to know what's right?
(You just got to do it your way)
I can't help the way I feel
But my life has been so overprotected

Ok no, I haven't become a Britney fan but the song rang in my head as I was thinking about the situation.

On Wed A and I went out for an "adventure".  Since I'd been to the spa before, and A wanted a massage badly, her husband finally relented and allowed her to come along with me. The massage was yummy but that's not the point of this post...

When they saw me standing outside a bookstore where were supposed to meet, K (A's hubby) first exclaimed: Oh no, F left you there alone??

Me (jokingly): Yeah, he always leaves me alone, sob sob, I'm used to it.

K: Oh no! I would never leave A alone. It's not safe here!

After some goodbyes and questions about "do you have pepper spray in your bag", I promised K I would take care of his wife even without a pepper spray (I have a strong kick) and she'd be safe with me.

On our way home just as I was about to open the building door, A suggested we get some ice cream and drinks at the bakalah (grocery shop) nearby.  As we made our way she exclaimed, "Wow, this is the first time I'm out on my own. I feel so free." Me: "Uhuh, you feel liberated right? Like a breath of fresh air?"  And she was chirping away, almost with a spring in her step.

This was exactly how I felt a week ago when I met Y for dinner.  Now don't get me wrong, we love our husbands and we enjoy going out with them. But with the entire scare about safety and what nots, A and I have been under the shade of "we can't go out ourselves because it's not safe without our husbands." Seems A wants to go for an internship but K is not keen on it because he doesn't trust the locals...gah.

This was the mentality I shared for more than half a year after coming here. All the DHs were warning me how it wasn't safe and this and that. I was shocked when A said she hasn't even gone down to the grocery shop on her own.  What more K wouldn’t have allowed her to come with me had I not had a driver i.e. no taxis.  Gladly I met the S'porean nurses last August and from there I thought, wow, if these girls are "daring" enough to go out on their own, and they're single, why can't I? Afterall, even if I get lost in the taxi, I can always call my husband to redirect the driver home.  Even the mum of the kid I was tuitioning would go out on her own in the days so from there I started gathering courage.

Now 1 year and 3 months after first stepping foot here, I wouldn't say I'm totally "adventurous", but I'm not as afraid to go out on my own. It’s not about being complacent about my safety, but it’s unhealthy to be always paranoid to the point of being miserable about being cooped up within four walls.  Baby steps are the way to go.  My main worry is that I haven't memorised my way home except from nearby places, and that I don't speak the same language as the taxi drivers who can be trusted.  My driver is well, another story.  So far my strategy is to get hubby to drive me to wherever I want to go, and I'd memorise the route so that I can take a cab back. Actually the memorisation part hasn't been absolutely necessary because most of the drivers of the South Asian kind know where I'm referring to (for some reason the locals always seem confused...) but for my own peace of mind, at least I know I'm going in the right direction home.

Looking forward to venturing the town more often on my own, or rather with my girlfriends. Am already bugging Y about her next off day. We are planning to paint another mall red! ;)