[ya ya sisterhood]

Flo came over again last weekend (yay!), on fri nite so tt she cld accompany me to physio next morning. I was afraid I'd be in terrible pain like the last time I went to the ortho, so my sweetie agreed to accompany me. Was really touched, never had someone care for me so much. Ok yeah some say parents - but I think my parents decided I should fend on my own after I reached a certain age. No more accompanying me to doctor's appts, no more fetching me from sch after a long day. I guess that's part of growing up, but it wouldn't hurt if they did once in awhile. Ok well..emo child speaking there..

Anyway, we were watching Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood on sat nite (I refused to let flo go home hehe). Watched it cos Sandra Bullock was starring, and well, sakura asked me to watch it on dvd last time but I didn't. It was a very very emotional show. I thought it was gonna be some crappy comedy where she usually has bimbotic roles in, but it was so meaningful. Gist of it is about Sandra Bullock's character coming to terms with shit that happened in her childhood, mostly due to her mum's (Ashley Judd/Ellen Burstyn) behaviour - including several bouts of depression and unconventional parenting techniques. Sandra being the eldest took the brunt of the crap and had been in therapy trying to figure out what did SHE do wrong. And her fiance wanted her to figure things out since it was troubling her a lot..and basically..well...end her "feud" with her mum.

The movie kinda conjured up a few memories abt my own relationship with my parents. My mother went thru a couple of severe depression episodes as well; she was unhappy with her marriage, and things weren't easy with my grandmother picking up fights with her very often, and my brother was in the worst stages of his behavioural issues. I guess I was her stabilising factor, so she used to come to me a lot for support. Not that I didn't want to, but I didn't know how to, and well, after awhile, I got irritated. Why was she always coming to me? Can't she ask someone else for help? I had to deal with a lot of issues myself, like bearing my brother's abuse, which was much more than physical. And I felt that she didn't listen to me, and kept focusing on herself. I guess that's why I learnt to shut myself up in my little cocoon, bottling up all my issues.

And then there were several scenes in the movie where the dad loved the mum so much, even tho he knew he could never be first place in her heart because her first love killed himself. It was so freaking touching - he stood by her through her crisis, even shifted out of their bedroom to give her the space she wanted. And at the end of the day, he still reached out his hand to tell her that she was the best thing that happened in his life. My tears just flowed out, couldn't hold them back anymore. It was awfully moving, tho I wondered whether I cried because of that scene, or bcos of the scenes which showed them constantly fighting and arguing while the children were huddled up in their rooms wondering what might happen next, whether they'd be able to sleep that night - scenes which invoked memories I'd rather not talk about. And it could also be bcos I've always longed for my parents to get along, without the shouting and screaming that got worse, without me needing to blast my CD player at night so I couldn't hear what was going on in the next room, without the threats of divorce and what have you. Though I've come to realise now that things are much much much more peaceful now that my parents are apart.

I was thoroughly glad that Florence was there with me during the movie. She's the only one so far I've told all my shit to. And her hug was all I needed to feel better. Thanks dear =) I know you may not understand everything I'm going through, or why I'm going through what I'm going through at this stage of my life; but to have you by my side is all I need.

I'll probably be feeling emo for some time to come. Warning to those of you who still decide to stay in contact with me. Haha. I'm seeing a counselor cos I finally decided to tackle my issues, or even find out what my issues are. I'm glad I've taken the first step, altho I almost chickened out the first time my counselor called me. (And all she wanted to say was hi lol) But I think I'm gonna be eternally grateful to her, cos she's doing it on a voluntary basis. I'd feel better if I was paying. Dunno how to broach the topic tho. For now, I'll stick to bringing eternally grateful. heh. I melted when she said "I want to be a part of your healing process", and she said it so sincerely. Gosh, I think if I had the privacy of my room now I'd be sobbing again lol. =)