[What My Name Means]

S is for Sensitive A is for Amazing F is for Furry I is for Intelligent Y is for Young Y is for Yummy A is for Animated

What Does Your Name Mean?

Ouch. I'm furry? Yummy I agree lol.

[I always knew I was a princess]

Your relationship destiny is to Find a Fairy Tale Ending

Cinderella, Snow White — those ladies knew what they were doing. And like these fairy tale heroines, you're a princess at heart who believes that love really does make the world go round. Of course, you're not waiting to be swept off on someone's white horse — you're a modern gal who's not afraid to do a little rescuing yourself.Independent and confident, you're not about to rely on fate to give you what you want. You've got the drive and spirit to pursue your dreams and find your own destiny. And you're sure to bump into Prince Charming along the way. That's a happy ending!

What's Your Relationship Destiny?

Brought to you by Tickle

You need a superhero when it comes to Living on the Edge

Not just any man will do for a wild thing like you. Independent, daring, and willing to take risks, you need a guy who won't cower at the idea of living on the edge from time to time. After all, a little action's exactly what it takes to get your pulse to pound ... and a little adrenaline never hurt either. Always willing to test the limits and go for what you want, it's no doubt that you tend to get exactly what or who you're after each time. People admire your strength and initiative, so it's no doubt you need a guy who has the same. And that's exactly why you should date a superhero like Spider-Man. Way to keep it hot!

Should You Date a Superhero?

Brought to you by Tickle

[i was bored studying]

[Laments of a molecular biologist]

Not that I profess myself to be one. I feel more like a lost lab rat. But anyway, this was how pathetic my first attempt at PCR was. No bands except for the DNA ladder. Bleah.

[phantoms and babies]

Been an interesting week for me. I watched Phantom of the Opera last Tuesday with a big gang - sis, mum, cousin and flo. Sis was (surprisingly) early in getting ready...I was dreading having to wake her up to change n stuff...but luckily she got up on her own..on time. rare occasion tsk tsk. I was actually on MC that day, was having a terrible sore throat. Even the doc was like "oh dear" when she checked my throat. Apparently Cordelia had the same infection...we can't help but link it to fish n co at suntec cos we both ate there the saturday before and mysteriously became ill with the same thing. Mine got so bad that I puked Monday's dinner out..twice.

This was the 3rd time I was watching Phantom. Maybe 3 times is too many, because it wasn't as exhilerating as when I watched it the second time in London. First time was too long ago..in Sec 2 so I can't really remember anything from there, except the scene where the Phantom entered Christine's room; and that he was wearing a white mask (duh!). I loved the show anyway, the main song and overture never fail to impress me. My fave scene is still the part where the Phantom captures Christine and the "row" into his hideout. I wish I could try rowing the boat lol.

On Sun, Far n I went to visit our Crescent friend Az who just gave birth to a cute little baby boy. It was quite a surreal feeling...we saw her get married, being pregnant, now even breastfeeding, and I still feel "wow, this was the same Az we've known all this while". She's gone into the realm of motherhood. And I still feel (relatively) immature. Then again, perhaps having babies isn't to do with maturity. But anyhow, I'm still amazed that some of my friends have taken such a big step in their lives. Congrats Az, for little Rehan! It was quite embarrassing cos Far didn't tell me Az's sis was getting married. So when we arrived at her block, a few of our friends were calling out to us...and they were all in pretty baju kurungs while we were in casuals. Didn't help that we were walking unglamorously in the rain with our brollies hardly sheltering us. Oh well, we were there for the bride's sis and her baby, so I guess we didn't have to dress up lol. Shall drop by her house more often to play with the kid. Maybe in a couple of month's time Far n I'll dare to carry him haha.

[i love my boss!!!]

Alright, I know not many people would be able to say that. I've heard a hundred complains about bosses not paying salaries on times, being forced to work OT and stuff. I have a pretty comfy life here (minus when there are deadlines of course), and a great boss to add.

Ok in case u're wondering why I'm gushing about him..here's the story. I told him about my depression n stuff and he was really empathetic about it. I was actually torn between telling him and risking my job in the process. Turned out that he actually asked me why I didn't tell him sooner. (The reason I finally decided to tell him was b'cos I had a close conversation with my colleague who went thru something similar..and he told me that Prof was the one who brought him to see a specialist and was very understanding and supportive.) And when I said I was scared he'd fired me, he said something to the effect of "If u have a problem, the more we'll be here to help you to see u through it". Awwww. Needless to say, I was very touched by that. Department of Family Medicine or not, I'm sure not many bosses would have that motto.

He asked me to follow him to his clinic the next day so that he could write me a referral to see a specialist. So that morning, we rode in a cab to jurong polyclinic and I registered myself n stuff. Then my boss became my doctor...which was a bit awkward at first. He asked me stuff like since how old have I had asthma and how often I get attacks. And since I was having a terrible sore throat I even had to go Ahhhhh as he checked it. Lol. I hate doing that...even when it's with a doc I'm comfy with, so imagine how weird it was (picture urself saying AHHHH to ur boss lol). He wrote down a whole lot of stuff...and gave me instructions abt my asthma meds...and prescribed me lots of meds cos he was all about me getting medication at subsidised rates (what a sweetie). And after all that, he finally said...ok now on to what we're here about. Then I talked to him abt my depression, when I got it, what caused it etc. I wasn't quite sure if I should draw a line between boss and doctor. But since he probed, I revealed more. A bit more. He was surprised none of my colleagues had noticed I was upset...but I told him it probably wasn't their fault cos I hide in my workspace well when I'm down and when I'm with them I put on a chirpy front. He tried to get me an earlier referral and even waited for me to get my medication before he left.

He's such a doll eh? But after that "consultation", I think I'm probably worrying him now lol. I won't be surprised if he's asked the lab officer or someone to keep an eye on whether the poisons I work with are in the right quantities haha. Must convince him that I don't need to see a specialist. Afterall, I'll probably be better by June (yeah that's how long I have to wait for an appt!). Will just continue seeing my counsellors for now.

[i'm back]

Wow I didn't realise I haven't been blogging for slightly more than a month. No wonder ppl started asking me why i wasn't updating it anymore.

I'm coming out of my closet. I'm gay. Well hmm..no not exactly what I wanna come out about haha. I'm coming out of my closet about depression. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression since 6 wks ago. Initially I thought it was just a really prolonged PMS, and that I'd "get over it"; till I started doing silly things to (try to) get away from the pain of being emotionally numb on one hand, and being overly sensitive on the other. I'm not proud of what I did, but when u no longer no how to cope, u resort to stupid things.

I'm lucky that my counsellor noticed something was wrong, and that she took time off her busy schedule (despite being "just" my pro-bono counsellor) to bring me to a doc to get me more help. It was then that I was inducted into prozac nation.

Things weren't so smooth initially...between all the mind-fucking I did to myself, and the panic attacks I was getting, I thought I was gonna go crazy. I'm glad though that I had my dear Flo beside me all the way. Thanks babe, I wouldn't have survived without your support. Thanks for putting up with my mood swings, for helping me speak to my family, for helping my family understand my situation, for teaching me how to be more open about my feelings, for just being there. Thanks to my family whose support I now know I'd have had all along and for understanding me. Thanks to my friends who noticed something wasn't right and attempted to cheer me up, you know who u are. You guys rawk!

I realise that many ppl dunno what depression is, thinking that it's something u can just will away or that positive thinking will cure. It's not as simple as it sounds. And I don't blame 'em for not understanding. I had a hard time deciding too cos I felt I was doing this to myself. I'm much better than I was 6 weeks ago, so don't worry, I probably won't burst out crying when I go out with you. Haha.

There's still a lot of trauma that I have to get over. I know I've shocked a few of my friends with some details of things I'm dealing with...skeletons that I wanna get rid of. It will take time. And at times I get a bit impatient. But I'm glad I've got people around who care. =) Need to remind myself to be patient. But I think I'm better now to start designing my room again. Haha.

[coping strategies]

We sometimes lose track of our emotions that we forget the simplest things can calm us down.

1. Zoning out with music blasting in ur ears.
2. Prayer and meditation.
3. Exercise..simple stretches will do.
4. Think positive thoughts.
5. Talk to someone who understands.
6. Talk to someone who you think might understand.
7. Cry it out.
8. Play literati..or any game that will help u zone out.
9. Read a really boring book, or better yet, your lecture notes.
10. Breathe.
11. Laughter therapy. (try this: force urself to go HAHA, HOHO, HEHE. U might find it silly at first...but after awhile u'll find urself laughing naturally. no kidding)
12. Pamper yourself. A massage, chocolates, a good shower, whatever that works.
13. Writing down your thoughts.
14. Connecting with your body - try to understand why u're feeling what u're feeling.
15. Get a good night's sleep.

Now I just gotta remind myself to do them.

[depression isn't fun]

stressed. then depressed. then stressed abt depression. now just depressed.

i promise i won't cut.

[scalded love]

love is to open up a side of ur heart to the person u love....that opening up leaves u all vulnerable and weak

love gives u strength when both partners open their hearts and their hearts then fuse together along the sides that they opened

love makes ur heart so vulnerable...and if for some reason, love dosent work out, that part of ur heart which u had exposed gets scalded

someone's who's heart i broke told me this. do u agree?

[Phase 1: My Purple Room]

I am so freaking tired. Zonked out. If it weren't for the fact that I had a lot of work to do yesterday, I'd have dozed out in office.

It was worth it though. I now have the purple room I've always wanted. Yay! Ok well my current room was supposed to be purple but the paint turned out too light that it looked pink in the end. Actually when I opened the can, I thought the purple would be too light again, but luckily after the paint dried n stuff...it had the hue I wanted. Yay! So yes..purple purple. Lol. The tiredness must be getting to me. Anyways as I was saying, I'm so tired cos I painted the room. Dad helped me with the first coat. After which I realised he wasn't a very good painter - there were drips of paint ALONG the wall, and the edges he did with the small paintbrush looked very messy. Arghh. But well, beggars can't be choosers; I had to make do with his help since Saki refused to help and Flo..well..isn't into painting...and the friend that offered to help..well..I was hesitant to ask for her help tsk tsk. Thanks papa!

He insisted the room was good enough without a second coat...but yikes..really..even if I wasn't the perfectionist that I am, it really DID need another coat. There was still traces of the yellow layer cos I didn't do a white coating first. So yeah, I was left to struggle with the second coating by myself. Top edges, bottom edges, 4 walls. I had to be very thrifty with the paint cos I was scared it was gonna finish...didn't know one 5L can of paint was only enough for one room! I did the second coat by priority of walls that ppl would see..which meant that the one which would be covered by my new wardrobe was done last. I was so enthusiastic about making the room nice and clean that after painting, I scrubbed the built in shelves tho it didn't help much...they really need a new layer of lining...which I intend to DIY myself. Hope it turns out nice! After mopping the room twice I was totally drained, papa had to come and stop me from doing more damage to myself haha.

I intend to use complementary colours for my deco. Which means I'll be choosing dark yellow and cyan for the clock, table lamp, whatever. My first time at decorating a room all by myself. Can't wait to see the finished product...it looks great in my mind haha.

Will upload a pic of my purple room when I get home.

Phase 0: Getting rid of old furniture.
Phase 2: Wardrobe comes next weekend. Whee!

[my fair ladies]

Had a brilliant time on Saturday hanging out with my jc pals. You rawk! We hadn't met up in a while, so thanks Yanyi for organising it! I must say the turnout was great. We've never had 10 ppl turn up for one gathering at a go. Flo n I'd been out for a talk that afternoon, and since she never has trouble mingling, I grabbed her along. The girls loved her and she was one of us in no time. We had to wait pretty long outside the restaurant. Partly cos we were a big group and partly cos there was a group of inconsiderate diners who refused to get their butts up altho they were done. Ruth wanted to wrestle with Mag near the window where they were sitting, so that they cld grab the group's attention...in the hope that they'll come out and watch the show. Obviously that ostentatious display never happened and we only got in after about 45 mins of waiting.

It was really fun crapping with the gals. Nice to know that after however many years it's been (I'm too lazy to count right now), we haven't changed much. YY is still our "mummy" - relentlessly cutting up Yanyi's b'day cake for us, Ruth still..ahem..jumps around like a mad monkey entertaining us with her lame jokes and hilarious antiques (which Flo is still trying to get used to lol) and Su is still the one who keeps us sane. SJ has acquired a British accent after teaching piano at an English school..that was pretty strange..but other than that, not much changes. Oh and might I add she's getting married end of this year. Congrats! Su will be getting married in July. Wee, happy for my friends. But yes, please don't ask me when I'm getting married. Cos I ain't searching for grooms heh. Looking forward to meeting u gals again for our karaoke session during CNY. See ya!

[The rain in spain stays mainly in the plain]

The rain in spain stays mainly in the plain.
In Hartford, Hereford, and Hampshire... Hurricanes hardly happen.

Trivia for today: If you're not sure of what to talk about, bring up the weather. haha. I caught My Fair Lady with my sis last Wed. I was so frenzied cos I had to drive home after work since dad needed the car...and when I reached home 15 mins later than planned, I found sakura still sleeping! Arghh. By the time we reached City Hall, we didn't have time for dinner so I had a miserable polar puff pastry and she a sandwich from 7-11. Not so bad lah, at least we managed to smuggle in our green tea instead of buying the $5 juices they sell at the theatre. I always get thirsty in an air-con room.

The musical was entertaining...and the dialogue was perfect...funny and upper-classy...and of course, in an accent I love. The costumes were pretty too...but too bad I was in circle 2 so I couldn't admire the actors more closely (sis said there was a handsome guy in a cap, according to her friend, who was worth ogling at haha). The play was about an unrefined, cockney flower girl turning into a lady presentable enough for high society. A wager taken on by a misogynistic and snobbish phonetics professor, Henry Higgins. But when Higgins takes all the credit and forgets to acknowledge her efforts, Eliza angrily leaves him for Freddy, and suddenly Higgins realizes he's grown accustomed to her face and can't really live without it. Higgins was quite an arse in the way he treated Eliza; no wonder Mrs Higgins asked Eliza how she'd managed to learn manners with him around. It was probably Mr Pickering (an ambiguously gay character) that helped her in the transition - he was a gentleman indeed.

We were both quite disappointed with the transition of Eliza Doolittle into a "dutchess". It was so swift and they only kept making Eliza repeat the lines above until she could say it in refined English. And ta-da...one fine day she could say it perfectly n then she suddenly had all the manners of a dutchess. Sakura n I tot it wld've been better to show her "training" to become a lady with fine manners. Learning to walk while balancing books on her head or learning not to snort. Then we decided we probably wanted it that way cos we've been watching too much of Princess Diaries haha. Just shows how much Hollywood ideas have been engrained into us!

The songs were not that catchy though (none rang in my head), and certain parts were slightly draggy. And coupled with the fact that we were pretty tired (no more weekday shows for me), both of us were struggling to stay awake. We had a gruesome long wait for the bus after the show. We wanted to go to Marina Square for a more filling dinner but all the restaurants there were closed..even Mac's..dang (I thought they were all open 24 hours??). Then as we walked back to the bus stop, 106 just left so we had to wait for another 20 mins before the next one came. I was already famished and Sakura really tired and anxious about her Econs test the next day (what timing!) that by the time we got to Clementi, we just grabbed some food and took a cab home. I'd like to watch the movie some time though, when I'm not so sleepy.

[when u are really in love...]

When you are together with that special someone, you pretend to ignore that person. But when that special someone is not around, you might look around to find them. At that moment, you are in love.

Although there is someone else who always makes you laugh, your eyes and attention might go only to that special someone. Then, you are in love.

Although that special someone was supposed to have called you long back, to let you know of their safe arrival, your phone is quiet. You are desperately waiting for the call! At that moment, you are in love.

If you are much more excited for one short e- mail from that special someone than other many long e-mails, you are in love.

When you find yourself as one who cannot erase all the messages in your answering machine because of one message from that special someone, you are in love.

When you get a couple of free movie tickets, you would not hesitate to think of that special someone. Then, you are in love.

You keep telling yourself, "that special someone is just a friend", but you realize that you cannot avoid that person's special attraction. At that moment, you are in love.

While you are reading this page, if someone appears in your mind, then u are in love with that person.

[i need to s-p-l-i-t myself]

Have you ever encountered a day on which there are so many things going on, you have to choose what to attend? 27th Jan seems like that day to me.

I have a:

1. wedding dinner which I must attend upon my father's insistence cos it's a "close relative" (seriously, I dun feel close to anyone on his side),
2. glamour shots photography session together with flo (wee I'm finally getting one done!),
3. women's talk - I really wanna attend cos I wanna meet one of the speakers who's a prof in NUS,
4. HDB heartware feedback session - no I've never really been one to care abt what goes on in our heartland..but since I've been [honorably] invited, I thought it might be interesting...can complain abt the lack of activities in our RC as my dad put it haha

Unfortunately I've committed to the wedding dinner, so I can't go for the women's talk. And the photography session is definitely gonna be much more FUN than the HDB talk..so no prizes to guess which one I'll be attending :P

[happy new year]

2006 ended beautifully for me. I'm not much of a what-did-i-do-this-year reminiscer but I have to say, it's been a really eventful one for me. Time passed by so fast (yeah what's new?)...2 months in Sweden...gosh that seemed like eons ago, getting my own office space, being thrown lots of responsibility at work. And of course there's relationships...Ups and downs...Downs and ups. A heartbreak or two, a crush and more. Got myself into such an emotional turmoil which wasn't worth it at all. I'd say I've definitely learnt a ton more about friendships and relationships. And yes, the four letter word...L.O.V.E.

I had a very good christmas celebration too. Not that I celebrate it, but Flo invited me over to her mum's place for x'mas dinner. The highlight was the gift exchange. Although it wasn't much of an exchange cos I had no idea everyone had gotten me stuff and I hadn't gotten them any! *paiseh* I received a t-shirt and a belt and an osim massage pen from mum n bf. was incredible! exactly what i wanted to fill my wardrobe with and i got them as a gift. the osim pen is quite fun...tho i haven't gotten used to it vibrating on my head. ok ok i know i can put the pen to vibrate in my hands..or some other anatomy...but somehow i just picture it being used as a headache curing device lol. the ironic thing was that months back when i found out osim had a massage pen..i was like..who the heck would use that??!! hahaha. amy gave me a solar-powered bobbing head thingy which i put in the car to accompany the one flo gave me. what are the odds man...flo was just saying she wanted to get the figurine a buddy...so amy was surprised why i was so happy with it heh. taking into account that i'm terrible at receiving prezzies (i always feel like i dun deserve them...except if it's an occasion like my b'day of course..haha), i was feeling quite overwhelmed...and very touched of course. Shall start making a list of what to get them for christmas this year heh.

On New Year's Day, as we got out of the flat to go out, there were two beautiful rainbows in the sky. The outer one was a bit faded, but the inner one was lovely. The colours were so vivid, unlike the faded ones I've seen so far. And it was so huge...spanning well...a huge distance. here's wishing u a bright n cheery year ahead!

[blackout at #09-**]

A torchlight would've been useful - if it had batteries! So came our mobile phones..which gave us the light we needed to grope around the circuit board in the store room. Thank you technology.

We had a power trip in our house yesterday. At first I thought it was my dad switching off the light without knowing I was in the toilet...so I was wailing "I'm in the toilet! Don't off the light!!" Then I heard my sis scurrying out of the room so I thought..yay something exciting's happening in our estate (re: recent blackouts in sg) but well..not as close. I had turned on mum's computer earlier and it refused to start. Then when I entered the room, it smelt like burnt wire - so I figured something must've short circuited there n tripped the power. I guess this is what happens when u dun listen to the expert who says that your power socket is overloaded. Tsk tsk. We tried plugging in the multiple sockets thingy (gosh i realise i dun have a word for this gadget...) and each time the whole house was in darkness. So yeah - only the modem and the router are plugged in now.

Back to queueing for the pc. I hope school starts soon so that I can scamper to the comp before sakura does hehe.

[emo]

been feeling quite emo lately. small things made me tear, like when

1. charlotte (charlotte's web) died then her babies flew away instead of staying in the barn to accompany wilbur

2. i had to say goodnite after sending flo home

3. my doc cldn't find my past records

Dunno wat's happening to me..PMS? I hope...